Fifteen-minute Movie – Ant-man

Or, “The Pym Job

SHIELD, 1989:
Younger Henry Pym – Okay, so someone was trying to duplicate my super-soldier serum, I mean, Pym Particles, and that ticks me off.

Younger Mitchell Carson – But the technology is amazing! And we could change the world with it!

Old Howard Stark – He’s right; your tech is so amazing I haven’t duplicated it yet, and that’s really saying something.

Younger Pym – So you’re stealing my stuff?

Younger Carson – You’re only being selfish because you killed your wife with it.

[[Younger Pym punches Younger Carson]]

Older Agent Carter – Okay, Carson, that was uncalled for, and Pym, that was totally called for.

Younger Pym – I am out of here!

Old Stark – Can he do that?

Older Agent Carter – I think we’ve messed up bad enough here.

Prison, the Present:
Scott Lang – Ah, freedom! Finally I can get my life back together!

Luis – What’s up, man? I’m your token Hispanic stereotype and best bud for the movie! Also, I am still a criminal, so surely living with me isn’t going to be a bad influence or anything.

Scott – *sigh* Damn it.

[[Aaaaand this goes about as well as you expect, with Scott getting fired from a menial job and thrown out of his daughter’s birthday party for being a bum who can’t even pay child support, which is totally fair]]

Pym Industries:
Present-day Henry Pym – I don’t even know why I’m here.

Hope van Dyne – You’ll see, Hank.

Pym – Really? Would it kill you to call me “Dad?”

Darren Cross – Alright, you’re here! Look it what I made! It’s like those old stories about the “Ant-Man” agent! I can make itty-bitty suits like this Yellowjacket suit and shrink people to go inside them. And then they can go assassinate people, I mean, and do other things too. Isn’t that awesome?

Pym – Heh, listen, Darren, I really don’t think this is a good idea….

Cross – No, it’s a great idea that I was sure would impress you more for reasons that are never adequately explained!

Poor Schmuck – No, I’m with Dr. Pym. This seems like a real bad idea.

Cross – We’ll talk later about this, buddy.

Poor Schmuck – I am so going to die.

Present-day ex-SHIELD Agent Mitchell Carson – Darren, I think you and I can make one hell of a deal.

[[And Poor Schmuck is stone-cold murdered by Cross in the bathroom]]

Pym Manor:
Hope – Don’t worry, he still can’t shrink organic matter without terrible consequences.

Pym – But when he does, he’ll sell to that sleaze Carson. We’ve got to stop Cross.

Hope – So let me do it. I am totally equipped to handle this espionage job.

Pym – No, no, I’ve got someone else in mind.

Luis’s Lousy Apartment:
Scott – I can’t get a job, I can’t keep a job, and without any money it’ll be over a year before Maggie and that jerk cop fiancé of hers will let me see Cassie again. Luis, tell me more about that tip, and maybe try not to make it sound like a game of “Telephone?”

Luis – Sorry, buddy, but I’m going to ramble. [[does so]] Me and my ethnically diverse and only slightly stereotypical posse are ready to do this!

Pym Manor:
[[Improbably, Luis, Kurt, and Dave are actually pretty good at their jobs, although Scott does most of the heavy lifting in the break-in]]

Scott – What the hell is this thing? Some weird suit?

Luis – Oooo, like Iron Man?

Scott – No, this is lame. Like, totally and completely lame. But whatever. I busted in here so I’m taking something.

[[Unbeknownst to him but knowst to us, someone is watching him]]

Luis’s Lousy Apartment:
Scott – Yep, this thing is totally lame, but for…reasons…I’m going to put it on anyway. [[He does, and for something that appears to be made of tight leather, it fits him perfectly]] This is pretty weird. What does this button do? [[Shrinks him down to the size of an ant]] Ahhhh! What the hell?

Pym (via helmet-comm) – Alright, you put on the suit, so I’m going to show you what it can do.

Scott – What? Who’s talking to me? Agghh! I’m going to get washed down the drain!!! [[But he does not, and in physics-free sequence of events, he ends up getting bounced around and eventually drops through the floor into the nightclub below Luis’s apartment, and is finally picked up by a winged ant with a saddle]]

Pym (via helmet-comm) – Okay, cowboy, saddle up.

Scott – [[does so]] Why am I doing this? This is insane!

Pym (via helmet-comm) – Shrinking to insect-size and riding a trained ant is not insane, and I should know.

[[Eventually the g-forces get the better of Scott and he passes out]]

Pym Manor:
Scott – Well, that was a weird dream.

Hope – It wasn’t a dream. You were really shrunk and riding on a flying ant. And now you are completely surrounded by ants.

Scott – *blink* *blink blink* I-I don’t even begin to know how to respond to any of this.

Hope – Breakfast is ready.

[[Hope leaves and in a minute Scott joins her and Pym for breakfast]]

Pym – So what did you think of my Ant-man suit?

Scott – Are those ants dropping sugar cubes into your coffee?

Pym – Yes. I can control ants. Do you want some sugar?

Scott – Um, not today. Your suit, huh?

Pym – Yes. I need someone to break into my own lab and steal some technology for me. This suit can help, and you are a master thief.

Hope – Really? Master thieves don’t generally get caught. This is a terrible idea. I am much more qualified to do this.

Pym – Anyway, what do you say?

Scott – Can I think about this?

Pym – Sure, sure, but make it quick, okay?

[[Scott makes exactly the right decision and breaks back into Pym Manor to return the suit and wash his hands of the whole affair; however, he’s immediately caught and thrown into jail]]

Paxton (Maggie’s cop fiancé) – So much for reforming. I knew you were scum.

Scott – I hate my life.

[[A bunch of ants cart in the shrunken Ant-man suit, re-enlarge it, and start a countdown]]

Pym (via ant-comm) – So, back to prison, or do a job for me and I’ll see if I can get the charges dropped since it was my suit.

Scott – This is a bad idea, but I don’t have a better option. [[The jailbreak commences]]

Pym Manor:
Pym – Sorry about that. Hope called the police on you. But since you’re here, we’d better start your training so you can actually pull this heist off.

Hope – We don’t have time for this loser. Darren is close to figuring out how to shrink organic matter. We’ve got only a matter of weeks, days maybe, if that. I can do this.

Pym – It’s not up for debate! Not after what happened to your mother…

Hope – Which you keep lying to me about!

Scott – …So this is awkward…

Pym – Nonsense. It’s time for a training montage.

Scott – I sense this is going to be hilarious in a painful slapstick way.

Pym – Yes, but you’ll get some cool stuff, like these shrinking and growing shuriken.

Scott – So how dangerous is all this shrinking and growing anyway?

Pym – Well, if you don’t wear that helmet, you’ll go insane. And even if you do, it still takes a toll on your body which is why I can’t do it.

Scott – Well, this explains some things…

Pym – Oh, and never shrink to the sub-atomic level. Once you’re that small, space and time have no meaning and you’ll be lost forever, and this is in no way totally obvious foreshadowing.

Scott – Bummer. We’d better get to the painful slapstick training montage now.

[[And Scott repeatedly slams into a door, gets punched by Hope in combat training, attacked by ants, and utterly fails to command them to move some sugar cubes]]

Hope – Oh for crying out loud! [[she takes the ant-comm and calls in so many ants the room darkens ominously]] I am more competent than him in every way! [[storm out in a huff]]

Scott – She’s right, Dr. Pym. I suck at this. Maybe we could try the Avengers?

Pym – Oh, hell no! I’ve spent most of my life keeping my tech out of Howard Stark’s hands; I’m not turning it over to his son!

Scott – Dude, you’ve got some issues.

[[Scott goes to talk to Hope]]

Scott – You’re right. I suck. But I’m totally expendable. Like, if I die, he doesn’t care. Of course, it’ll really suck for my daughter.

Hope – You have a kid? Oh, man, we’d better get you trained up so you’ll live to see her.

Scott – I appreciate that.

Pym – By the way, you need to break into a Stark Industries lab and steal a piece of equipment first.

Scott – And this will keep me out of prison how?

Pym – Just think of this as practice for the real thing.

“Stark Industries Lab:”
Scott – Hey, Dr. Pym, that logo on the roof is for the Avengers!

Pym/Hope – He is so screwed. Abort, abort!

Scott – No, I can do this. How hard can it be? I’m so small no one can see me.

Falcon – I can totally see you, little dude. Better surrender.

Scott/Pym/Hope – Damn it.

Scott – I’m about to do something we will both regret.

[[A fight between Falcon and Ant-man ensues with Scott apologizing profusely and finally defeating Falcon by destroying his wings from the inside; but in the end, he gets the goods]]

Falcon – I don’t #@$%ing believe this.

Pym Industries:
Cross – Muhahahaha! I’ve done it! I’ve successfully shrunk organic matter! And I’m going to celebrate by inviting a lot of people to my highly secured facility!

Pym Manor:
Hope – So, we’ve got a week, tops now.

Pym – Damn it.

Cross – Hey, Dr. Pym, are you coming to the celebration?

Pym – What are you doing here? I mean, yes, if I’m invited.

Cross – Well, this is the end result of what you started. You were my mentor. Why aren’t you proud of me now?

Pym – I took you on because I thought you were a lot like me. I let you go because I realized how much like me you were.

Cross – You mean mentally unstable?

Pym – Well, I wouldn’t put it that way…, but, er, yeah.

Cross – Harsh, old man, harsh. [[leaves]]

Pym Manor (Later):
Hope – Darren has increased security and it looks like he expects Ant-man to try to break in. We need help.

Scott – I know just the guys!

Pym – Those idiots? Hell no.

Scott – Right, I’ll go give them a call.

Pym – Hope, since everything may go wrong I figure it’s time to tell you what happened to your mother. Janet was my partner. I made her a suit and she was called “Wasp.” We were trying to disarm a nuclear missile but we couldn’t get through the titanium shell. My size regulator was broken, so she shrunk down to the sub-atomic level, saved the world, and disappeared forever. I just couldn’t stand to lose you too.

Hope – Oh, Dad, I forgive you.

Scott – Hey, isn’t this a touching moment?

Hope/Pym – *icy stares*

Scott – That I am totally ruining…I’ll just go do something…else…now…

Pym Industries:
[[Scott, Hope, Pym, and the three stooges infiltrate the facility and everything seems to be going quite well until, of course, it doesn’t, and Scott, Hope, and Pym end up trapped in the vault with Cross, Carson, and various thugs]]

Cross – Hahahaha! Who’s a widdle trapped Ant-man in the containment unit? It’s you! It’s you!

Pym – Darren, don’t do this.

Cross – Oh, really, you’re trying that tired old line? I was going to kill you at your house except I realized Hope was there. But now I see she’s with you, so I’m just going to take my Yellowjacket suit, kill you, and go get even richer! [[shoots Pym]]

Hope – Dad!

Scott – No! Wait, I’ve got these shuriken things! [[uses them to bust out of the containment unit and take out the thugs, most of whom beat a hasty retreat as every alarm in the building starts to sound]]

Pym – Get the suit!

Scott – Roger that! [[follows the escape helicopter on a flying ant]]

Hope – Dad, we’ve been locked in and the idiots have probably already set the charges to blow up the building.

Pym – Don’t worry, I have no intention of dying here. [[pulls out a tank on a keychain]] This isn’t a toy.

Hope – Wait, if you had a tank all this time, why didn’t we use it?

Pym – Um, reasons. Let’s go.

Cross – I am not about to be thwarted by some petty thief in an out-dated lame super-suit! [[starts firing shots randomly and manages to actually take out Scott’s flying ant]]

Scott – Noooo!!! My pet flying ant!! [[manages to catch a ride on another ant and gets into the helicopter to brawl; after a lot of grappling and thrashing, Cross somehow gets into the Yellowjacket suit and escapes; no one else in the helicopter is so lucky; the tank rams through the wall as the building explodes]]

Paxton – What the hell is going on here?

Scott – I lost Yellowjacket!

Paxton – Maggie just called 911! He’s at her house!

Maggie’s House:
Yellowjacket – I will totally kill your daughter!

Scott – What the hell is wrong with you? She’s just a kid! Fight me like a man! A very tiny man!

[[Cassie hides in the closet while the epic fight takes place on a toy train set; absurd collateral damage results]]

Yellowjacket – Screw this! I have high-powered lasers! I will fry you like an ant under a magnifying glass!

Scott – [[Scott attempts to bust into Yellowjacket’s suit but it’s titanium]] Oh, no, now I must do the thing Dr. Pym told me under no circumstances should I do! [[shrinks to the sub-atomic and destroys the Yellowjacket suit’s size regulator, resulting in both of them being imploded or something]] Huh, so the Microverse, er, quantum reality is like being in a kaleidoscope on acid. And my size regulator is out busted. But I can’t leave Cassie, so I’ll see if jamming this growth shuriken in the size regulator will work. [[Of course it does]]

Maggie’s House (Later):
Scott – It’s nice to see that you and Paxton aren’t unreasonable about visitation rights.

Maggie – Well, you are still her father.

Cassie – Even if this is so awkward I can tell how awkward this is.

Scott – Oh, hey, there’s my phone. Better find out what’s going on.

Luis (phone) – Dude, I’ve got a tip for you…[[one rambling explanation later]]…so Falcon’s looking for you.

Scott – Okay, I’ll check it out, but I thought he didn’t like me.

Undisclosed Location Probably in the Former Soviet Bloc (Recent Past):
Falcon – It would have been easier to get the Winter Soldier back to the States if we’d found him a week ago.

Captain America – I know, I know, but I’m not leaving Bucky behind again.

Falcon – Well, I know a guy who might be able to help, but you have to promise not to laugh…

Pym Manor:
Pym – *brooding* If Scott got out, maybe Janet’s still alive in there and can be saved too. Well, that’s an obsession for another time. Hope, come here. [[Shows her a new super-suit]] This was supposed to be the new Wasp suit. Let’s finish it together and you can have it.

Hope – It’s about damn time.

–fade out–


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S. J. Drew is an aspiring writer who finally entered the blogosphere to shamelessly promote that writing (as evidenced by the title of the blog). Whether or not this works remains to be seen, but S. J. hopes you are at least entertained. And if you're actually reading this, that's probably a good sign.

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