Also – ALL THE SPOILERS!
Scrolling Exposition – So it turns out just killing the Emperor and blowing up the second Death Star did not actually bring instant peace to the galaxy. Remnants of the old Empire have formed the First Order and are fighting against the New Republic. The Resistance, led by General Leia, fight for the New Republic. Also, Luke Skywalker is missing and the Resistance would really like to find him.
Neo-Tatooine, I mean, Jakku (because the galaxy has no end of desert hell-planets):
Lor San Tekka – Here’s the vital information you need to find Luke Skywalker.
Neo-Wedge Antilles, I mean, Poe Dameron – Is the audience supposed to recognize you, because you said you knew Leia when she was a princess…
Tekka – That’s really not explained. You’d better go before the First Order attacks…
[[Too late; the First Order attacks and Poe, of course, puts the vital information into his adorable droid sidekick, BB-8, and tells it to run away while he gets captured by the First Order]]
Darth Hissy-fit, I mean, Kylo Ren – Where’s the information, old man?
Tekka – You are better than these space Nazis.
Kylo – Hey, I’m with the cool crowd now! [[uses Sith mind-reading]]
Tekka – That is gross and creepy, you know.
Kylo – Shut up! Oh, that random guy we just captured knows where the information is. I guess we don’t need any of you. Soldiers, kill all these unarmed, frightened villagers in cold blood.
Storm Trooper soon-to-be-Finn – What? Dude, this totally messed up! [[does not fire but watches in horror as the villagers are slaughtered]] What the hell am I doing here?
[[We get to see a day in the life of the totally awesome plucky loner scavenger Rey which is changed the next day when she saves BB-8 from another scavenger]]
Rey – Don’t follow me.
BB-8 – Beep borp beep! 〈〈Please let me hang out with you! You’re nice and I’m just a little droid waiting for someone but I can’t tell you who.〉〉
Rey – Oh, fine. Just don’t get me in trouble.
[[And of course it does because the other scavengers want the fully functional and non-junky droid for themselves]]
First Order Ship, Torture Chamber:
Poe – Yeah, this day sucks.
Kylo – It’s about to get worse. I’m going to rip the information I need right out of your mind.
Poe – Dude, that is all kinds of creepy and gross.
Kylo – Hey, it gets the job done. [[extracts information]] Well, time to go find your droid. Good thing it’s apparently a one-of-a-kind distinctive model. [[leaves]]
Storm Trooper soon-to-be-Finn – I’m taking the prisoner.
Poe – Great. Now what?
Storm Trooper soon-to-be-Finn – Now you’re going to help me get the hell out of here because these people are mass-murdering psychopaths and I want no part of this madness!
Poe – Good for you. Just help me steal a TIE fighter and we’ll be on our way.
[[Poe and Finn bust out of the hangar bay and many a storm trooper learns that getting hit with weaponry meant to take out other spaceships really sucks for guys in plastic armor]]
Poe – We’ve got to get to Jakku! My BB-8 unit has a map to Luke Skywalker!
Finn – What?! Are you freakin’ kidding me?
Poe – No! And I don’t know why I’m sharing this vitally important information with a turncoat storm trooper I just met!
Finn – Yeah, me neither. We’ve got to get the hell away from here!
[[The argument is settled when the TIE fighter is shot down and crashes on Jakku anyway; Finn retrieves Poe’s jacket but believes Poe is dead when the debris sinks into the desert and explodes for some reason; Finn ditches his armor then heads off to find civilization and astoundingly he does so! And right when Rey has to beat two guys up with a stick for trying to steal BB-8]]
Rey – Seriously, guys, seriously? I don’t have time for this garbage.
BB-8 – Beep! Beep! 〈〈Hey, that guy’s wearing my boss’s jacket! He’s a thief!〉〉
[[Rey tears off after the incredibly confused Finn and eventually knocks him down]]
Rey – You stole that jacket from this droid’s boss!
Finn – No I didn’t! I salvaged it from the wreckage, because he died!
BB-8 – Awwww. 〈〈Awwww.〉〉
[[First Order ships start flying overhead]]
Rey – What the hell?
Finn – They’re after that droid! It has a map to Luke Skywalker! I’m not sure why I’m telling a person I just met this vital information!
Rey – Me neither, but because you know that you must be in the Resistance.
Finn – Um, sure, yes, I am totally part of the Resistance. We’ve got to get out of here! [[Grabs her hand and runs for it]]
Rey – No touchy! And I’m the one who knows where to go anyway.
Finn – Fair enough. Hey, what about that ship that’s off-screen?
Rey – It’s a piece of junk! We’ll take that one in front of us. [[which promptly gets blown up]] Okay, piece of junk it is. [[And of course, of course, the garbage ship is the Millennium Falcon]] You take the guns and I’ll figure out how to fly this thing, because I can totally do that. Yep, totally.
Finn – Yes, and I can totally use ship-board cannons too. Yep, totally.
[[After a few false starts because the controls are unfamiliar and made for two pilots, Rey manages to get the ship moving, and Finn figures out the cannon as they spectacularly evade a pair of TIE fighters before making their escape]]
Hapless Officer – So, um, we didn’t find the droid. We think it was on-board that garbage ship that escaped. And, um, we think the traitor storm trooper helped a local girl with the escape. But we’re going after the ship. I mean, it’s in such bad shape it can’t get far, right? I’ll be going nowpleasedon’tkillme.
[[Kylo pulls out his lightsaber and wrecks a large and probably expensive computer console before going to report to the giant hologram of unconvincing CGI Supreme Leader Snoke]]
Grand Moff Tarkin Jr., I mean, General Hux – This is not my fault! Kylo didn’t figure out where the information was in time!
Kylo – The hell you say! You’re the one with a turncoat storm trooper! This is why we should use clones!
Hux – Hey, he was scheduled for reconditioning! My army is awesome and you suck!
Kylo – No, you suck!
Snoke – *rolls eyes* Just get the map by whatever means are necessary.
[[The Falcon predictably starts to break down and Rey, showing a savant level of competency, rushes around to fix it]]
Rey – So once I get this working again, I’ll take you and the droid to the Resistance base, okay?
Finn – Yes, the Resistance base. That would be great.
Rey – Just tell me the coordinates.
Finn – Hey, little dude, you tell her. I don’t know the location; I’m not Resistance.
BB-8 – Beep bworp. 〈〈That information is classified.〉〉
Finn – I don’t understand your crazy beeping, but I know I don’t want to get captured by the First Order and I’ll bet you don’t either, so you give her the coordinates.
BB-8 – Bleep blorp. 〈〈You bring up a good point.〉〉
[[Rey gets the ship in a state that approximates functioning but before they get very far it’s captured by a tractor beam from a mystery ship; assuming it’s the First Order, they make preparations to hide and/or fight]]
Han Solo – Damn, Chewy, what are the odds?
Chewbacca – Ranngnngang. 〈〈I know, right?〉〉
Han – Okay, so I know someone’s on-board my ship. [[The stowaways are immediately located]] Okay, who the hell are you and how did you get my ship?
Rey – Your ship? You’re Han Solo, the legendary smuggler?
Finn – No, he’s Han Solo the legendary Rebellion general!
Han – Both are right.
Rey – This droid has a map to Luke Skywalker! Did you know him?
Han – Yes, yes I did. Wow, okay, you two have some explaining to do.
Smuggler Party 1 Leader – No, you have some explaining to do. We’re here to collect your debt.
Smuggler Party 2 Leader – No, we’re here to collect his debt.
Han – Guys, I’ll totally pay you back, just not now.
Smuggler Party Leaders – Yeah, right.
Chewy – Rannaaawwwgang. 〈〈Yeah, they’ve got us there.〉〉
Han – Shut it, you!
Rey – Okay, I think I can fix this. [[opens some airlock doors]] Oh, nope, nope, I think I just accidentally freed the terrifying monsters. *screams from above* Yeah, my bad. We’d better get back to the Falcon.
Finn – *facepalm* You think!?
[[the terrifying monsters make quick work of the hostile smuggling parties and almost get Finn, but instead of eating him immediately the monster scurries down the corridor which allows Rey to close the right airlock doors and save him; eventually they all meet back at the Falcon although Chewy gets wounded and they manage to escape again.]]
Han – Alright, I’ll take us someplace to get help. I like your style. You have moxie, kid. And you somehow understand Wookie, which is pretty helpful.
Rey – Thanks!
Maz Isley Cantina, Takodana:
Maz Kanata – Han Solo! So nice of you to walk back into my life. What do you want?
Han – To get a droid to the Resistance and not attract the attention of the First Order.
[[Two cantina patrons separately report to the First Order and to the Resistance that the incredibly distinctive droid has been spotted]]
Finn – Actually, I just want to get the hell out of here.
Maz – Those guys are always looking for help, if leaving is what you really want.
Rey – Finn, what about the Resistance?
Finn – I’m actually a turncoat storm trooper who realized the First Order was insane and I never, ever, ever will ever go back there ever. Please come with me.
Rey – I’m sorry, but I have to get back to Jakku and wait for my family. Sorry.
Finn – Me too. [[departs with the aliens]]
[[Hux and Kylo are meeting with the giant hologram of the Supreme Leader again]]
Hux – I want to use the weapon! We’ll show the galaxy that the Republic is weak!
Kylo – We just need that map and then we get rid of Luke Skywalker and the Resistance won’t be a problem any more.
Hux – Oh, come on, what did we build this ridiculous, impossible, planet-sized weapon for if we aren’t going to use it?
Snoke – Go ahead and use the weapon.
Hux – Yes! [[leaves]]
Snoke – You’re not doing very well since your father, Han Solo, got involved.
Kylo – Yeah, I’m having trouble staying evil, but believe me, I really want to be evil.
Snoke – You will have to confront your father. Can you do it?
Kylo – You can count on me.
[[Upset by Finn’s departure, Rey starts wandering the cantina and starts to hear voices that draw her to a box in a basement, which has a lightsaber in it; she experiences a series of visions relevant to the plot including – Cloud City on Bespin, a hooded man with a robot hand touching R2-D2, Kylo dressed in black and surrounded by dead bodies, Kylo stabbing someone with his lightsaber, herself as a child calling out for her father, and finally Kylo running after her in a snowy forest; she drops the lightsaber]]
Rey – What in the hell was that?
Maz – Very interesting. That is Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber, and it belonged to his father before him. Now it belongs to you.
Rey – Oh hell no! I have to get back to Jakku!
Maz – Your family is not coming for you there. Take the lightsaber. You’ll need it.
Rey – Hell! No! [[runs off into the woods; BB-8 follows her]]
Hux – I am totally not Space Hitler, and this speech is no way like a Nazi propaganda rally! But the Republic sucks, and we’re awesome, so we’re going to prove we are the good guys here by destroying entire Republic planets!
[[A massive energy beam is fired from some kind of weapon built into the middle of the icy planet; it splits into four beams and destroys four planets at once! The explosions can be seen from Takodana]]
Finn – Holy @#%& those crazy [expletives] actually used the Starkiller weapon!
[[And cue the First Order ships arriving on planet]]
Finn – #$%@ me!
Maz – Take this lightsaber! You’ll need it!
Finn – What?! I don’t even begin to know how to use this thing!
Han – Where the hell did you get that lightsaber? Luke dropped it into the clouds on Bespin!
Maz – That’s a good question I’m not going to answer.
[[Rey gets spotted by storm troopers in the woods and after a few false starts becomes a crack shot with a blaster]]
Rey – BB-8, they’re after you. You roll into the forest as fast and far as you can and I’ll try to hold these thugs off.
[[She does decently well until Kylo catches up to her, deflects the blasts, and immobilizes her using his Sithy Force powers.]]
Rey – Dang it, this is cheating!
Kylo – Hey, evil dude in a mask here. That’s what I do. So where’s that droid?
Rey – You can go to hell.
Kylo – Okay, I’ll just read your mind.
Rey – Creepy on so many levels.
Kylo – Hey, you’ve seen the map! Well, I’m sure it’ll be much easier to get the map out of your mind that find that stupid droid. [[knocks her out and calls off the attack]]
[[Luckily this is the point the Resistance finally shows up, with the counterattack led by the actually not dead Poe; the gang is rescued and taken to the main Resistance Base]]
Han – Hi, Leia. You’re looking pretty good.
General Leia Organa – So are you.
C-3PO – And I am still really terrible at human-cyborg relations as I interrupt this touching reunion, although at least I get out of the way quickly.
Han – I saw our son out there. He’s hanging out with a real bad crowd.
Leia – I’m sorry. I thought it would be best to send him away to train with Luke.
Han – You couldn’t have known what would happen. We all messed up something terrible with that kid.
Leia – And it ruined our relationship too.
BB-8 – Beep beep!! 〈〈It’s the legendary astrodroid R2-D2! Wow! Hey, can I get your autograph?〉〉
C-3PO – R2 has been in low-power mode since Master Luke left. I’m not sure he’ll ever reactivate.
Resistance Base, Later:
Leia – Okay, people, the First Order is going to try to blow up the planet and we don’t have enough time to evacuate. Finn, give us some info.
Finn – It drains energy from the sun to power the weapon, so if we blow up the thermal capacitors, it won’t work. We just have to drop the shields protecting the capacitors, which can be done by a small party sneaking inside. Like, say, me, General Solo and Chewbacca. Any maybe we can rescue Rey while we’re at it.
Leia – Sounds like a plan, not that we have any real choice. Better move it, people.
Han – Leia, time to share a touching moment that in no way foreshadows my fate.
Leia – Yes, I know, but I’ll make it even more obvious by asking you to try to save our son.
Kylo – Argh! I’m having so much trouble being evil. Help me be evil! Help me extinguish the Light so I can be all hardcore and stuff! [[leaves his room revealing the melted helmet of Darth Vader sitting on a pedestal]]
[[Rey wakes up in the torture chamber as Kylo enters to interrogate her]]
Kylo – So, how are you feeling?
Rey – How do you think, you masked freak?
Kylo – [[takes off the helmet to reveal a young and handsome man with perfect hair]] Is this better?
Rey – No, actually, this is creepier because now I can see you staring me. Ugh.
Kylo – Well, time to read your mind and get that map. [[uses Sithy mind-reading powers]] I see that you’re very lonely. I see you’ve started to think of Han Solo like a father. I see you dream of an island in the middle of an ocean even though you grew up on a desert world.
Rey – Dude! So many boundary violations here!
Kylo – So just show me the map.
Rey – It turns out telepathy is a two-way street, and not only can I resist showing you that map, I can read your mind, and I see you’re afraid you’ll never be as powerful as… Darth Vader?
Kylo – What in the hell? You have Force powers? You are totally freaking me out! [[abruptly leaves]]
[[Hux and Kylo are again in front of the giant hologram of Snoke]]
Snoke – So why don’t we have that map again?
Hux – Because this emo pretty-boy decided we didn’t need the droid!
Kylo – Hey, no one has ever resisted my mind-reading before! How the hell was I supposed to know I’d kidnapped the one person who could?
Snoke – *rolls eyes* Just fix this, both of you.
[[The rescue party crashes through the Starkiller base shields and nearly destroy the Falcon in the process, but any landing you can walk away from is a good one.]]
Han – Okay, kid, how do we shut down those shields?
Finn – I have no idea. I just told you I could to rescue Rey.
Han – What?! People are going to die!
Finn – Hey, I have an idea about that. Follow me.
Rey – You know, this would be a great time to try out that legendary Jedi mind-trick.
Storm trooper – That is totally not going to work.
Rey – That is totally going to work.
Storm trooper – That is totally going to work.
Kylo – Okay, I’m feeling better now… [[sees Rey is missing and throws another destructive temper tantrum]]
Most intelligent storm trooper ever – Sounds like Darth Hissy-fit’s at it again. Let’s finish our patrol down this corridor in, what, ten minutes?
Second-most intelligent storm trooper ever – I’m with you. [[they back away]]
[[In the meantime, Finn and Co. capture Captain Phasma and force her to lower the shields, then go in search of Rey while Poe leads the X-wing assault on the capacitors; Finn and Co. find Rey has rescued herself]]
Rey – What are you doing here?
Chewy – Arrghgnannagh. 〈〈It was his idea to rescue you.〉〉
Rey – Aw, thanks Finn.
Han – Yeah, yeah, escape now, hug later.
Chewy – Rannaghgh! Aarrhhghgh! 〈〈I think we need a bigger boom for this job.〉〉
Han – You’re right. Let’s split up, plant explosives, and blow this capacitor up from the inside. How much time do we have left?
Finn – Until all the power is drained from the sun and the light goes out, which is totally not a heavy-handed metaphor.
[[They split up and plant explosives but are interrupted by the entrance of Kylo]]
Han – Ben! Please, son, can we talk?
Kylo – Sure, just come out on this totally exposed catwalk with no railings.
Rey/Finn/Chewy (thinking) – I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Han – Son, we miss you. Please come home.
Kylo – I’m torn right now. Can you help me end this pain?
Han – Of course. Whatever you need me to do.
Kylo – [[appears to offer his lightsaber at the same moment the sunlight goes out (get it?)]] That’s just what I was hoping you’d say. [[Stabs him through the chest]]
Han – Yeah, probably should have seen that coming. Everyone else did. But I still love you, son. *dies and falls*
Chewy – Raaaggghhh!!! 〈〈[Expletive] this!〉〉 [[shoots Kylo with his crossbow which injures him, but unlike everyone else hit what that kind of blast, Kylo is not knocked backwards at least ten feet; then he detonates the explosives and they all make a run for it]]
Kylo – Where do you think you’re going?
Kylo – Um, yeah, Sith powers? [[activates his totally stupid looking lightsaber despite his obvious injury]]
Rey – [Expletive] this! [[tries to blast him but Kylo throws her into a tree and knocks her out]]
Finn – Um, okay, you and me in a lightsaber duel. I’m totally untrained, but you’re wounded, so that balances out, right?
[[After several minutes, it’s obvious that no, inexperience and wounds do not balance out as Kylo disarms and severely injures Finn; but that gives Rey time to wake up]]
Kylo – Where the hell did he even get that lightsaber? By all rights it should belong to me. [[but when he attempts to Force-grab it, the lightsaber flies right past him and into Rey’s hand]] Seriously, what the hell is going on with you?
Rey – Maybe the Force is awakening or something?
Kylo – Whatever. Let’s fight! [[Again, being wounded does not balance out inexperience and he backs her to the edge of a cliff]] You know, I could teach you how to use your obvious Force powers. Why don’t you take a minute to think about it as we’re perched here precariously? I can’t really feel my leg so I could use the breather.
Rey – Or I could use this moment to calm myself and tap into the Force and then proceed to kick your ass!
[[And Rey proceeds to put the smack-down on the injured Kylo which is only interrupted by a chasm opening up between them as the X-wing fighters damage the capacitors enough to cause the planet to self-destruct; Rey runs off to find Finn and is rescued by Chewy on the Falcon; Kylo is presumably rescued somehow by Snoke’s minions, and the Starkiller base explodes]]
[[Leia already knows Han is dead and she and Rey sadly embrace; R2-D2 wakes up and of course it has the rest of the map; Rey leaves Finn in critical care and joins Chewy in the Falcon to find Luke]]
First Jedi Temple That Turns out to be An Island in a Vast Ocean Just Like Rey’s Dreams:
[[Rey climbs up some ruins and finds an aged Luke Skywalker in Jedi master robes; she holds out his lightsaber and the audience holds out hope that with the sins of the prequels erased that the franchise can move onto something a little different]]