or, “You might be a munchkin if…” part 3, and I believe the final entry on my compleat guide to munchkins. Part 1 was somewhat general, and Part 2 focused a bit more on individual aspects of role-playing games (namely, swag), so what’s left? The true nature of a munchkin is revealed in how they play, especially in relation to the party. After all, common sense would dictate it’s a bad idea to tick off one’s fellow players. However, “common sense” is one of the many attributes a munchkin is lacking.
Would you steal from the party and what would take?:
1) Real Wo/men – I would not steal. That’s wrong.
2) Actors – Depends. What’s my motivation? Is it in character? How do I grow from the experience?
3) Crazies – Why not? I’d take their underwear, then put on my head and wear it into battle.
4) Sociopaths – I’d steal valuable things, then plant them on other party members to cause strife.
5) Munchkins – Hell, yeah, ’cause I’m the best thief ever. I’d take money and stuff and keep it all for myself.
Would you kill the party?:
1) Real Wo/men – No, never. That’s murder.
2) Actors – Probably not. Unless I was under some spell.
3) Crazies – No. I’m crazy, not stupid. Besides, if there’s no party, there’s no one to play with.
4) Sociopaths – If I could, I would sacrifice their souls to my dark gods in exchange for unholy power.
5) Munchkins – Hell, yeah, once they get high enough level. Then I’d get tons of XP and great stuff.
What would you do if your character died?:
1) Real Wo/men – Make a new one and make sure it doesn’t have the weaknesses that got the old one killed.
2) Actors – Mourn a bit. Then move on.
3) Crazies – Turn the character sheet into a paper airplane.
4) Sociopaths – Think to myself, “Curses, foiled again.”
5) Munchkins – Die? Why would I die? You can’t kill characters.
You’ve acquired a minion. What do you do with him/her/it?:
1) Real Wo/men – Train my minion to fight just like me.
2) Actors – Learn about my minion, his hopes, desires, and fears. Help him along his path in life.
3) Crazies – Use him as a handbag.
4) Sociopaths – Cultivate him as a sacrifice, or use him as a scapegoat for my misdeeds.
5) Munchkins – Great, someone to do my chores and fetch stuff for me. What do you mean I have to take care of him? Eh, screw that. I’ll use him to find traps and stuff then. It’s not like he’s a person or anything.
Ok, you’re in a room you the player are fairly certain has a hidden door. But your search rolls have been pretty poor, and the GM tells that you’ve found nothing. What do you do?
1) Real Wo/men – Move on. There’s plenty of stuff to beat up elsewhere. It’s not my fault the rogue didn’t find the hidden door.
2) Actors – Move on. My character doesn’t have any reason to think there’s a door here have failing to find one during the search.
3) Crazies – What? I was looking for a door? Better move on and find more stuff to play with.
4) Sociopaths – Move on and take it as a good sign this party didn’t find anything, because it means they are less likely to notice things I do that I shouldn’t…
5) Munchkins – Keep rolling until my search roll is completely maxed, never mind that it makes no sense to keep searching a room my character has already searched and found nothing in. And if I reach my max roll and still don’t find anything, and later the GM reveals the hidden door, whine how unfair it was that I didn’t find the door in the first place because I got my max roll.
Oops, your actions have resulted in the death of an important non-player character. What do you do?:
1) Real Wo/men – Not feel too bad if it was a bad guy, feel bad if it wasn’t, and try not to let it happen again.
2) Actors – Mourn, grieve. Have the character develop some sort of flaw or neurosis resulting from the death.
3) Crazies – It was a bad thing, that surely should never happen… hey, what’s the shiny thing over there?
4) Sociopaths – Secretly rejoice in the slaughter of the guilty and innocent alike.
5) Munchkins – Act surprised, shrug, be annoyed at any penalties incurred, wonder why the other players are upset, and fail to learn any lessons whatsoever.
How the GM feels about:
1) Real Wo/men – You can pretty much predict they’ll do the dumbest thing possible, although sometimes they can seriously de-rail the plot.
2) Actors – A pleasure to game with and watch as they grow into character.
3) Crazies – Entertaining, but impossible to plan around.
4) Sociopaths – As long as the party gets along, they add depth.
5) Munchkins – Let them roll dice, and ignore them when possible.
How they feel about the GM:
1) Real Wo/men – Needs to add a bit more combat.
2) Actors – Needs to add a bit more story.
3) Crazies – Needs to be surprised more by my antics.
4) Sociopaths – Needs to give me the opportunity to indulge my dark desires.
5) Munchkins – Needs to let me roll more. Just because I don’t have skill points doesn’t mean I can’t do stuff. I roll real good.
How they feel about Real Wo/men:
1) Real Wo/men – Always a great person to have in your party.
2) Actors – Well, you always need a bruiser and someone to absorb damage.
3) Crazies – So much fun to play with. And they’ll never fight back because they’re so goody-goody.
4) Sociopaths – Every party needs cannon fodder. And the dark gods like a pure soul.
5) Munchkins – I’m a Real Wo/man!
How they feel about Actors:
1) Real Wo/men – A bit emotional and moody, but good in a fight.
2) Actors – They add real depth to a party and an adventure.
3) Crazies – Fun to play with, but they fight back.
4) Sociopaths – Unpredictable. A danger to my plans. But useful pawns.
5) Munchkins – I’m an Actor!
How they feel about Crazies:
1) Real Wo/men – Well, there’s one in every party. You’ve just got to deal.
2) Actors – Annoying, but sometimes interesting.
3) Crazies – Ooo, a playmate!
4) Sociopaths – Throw them something shiny and they stay out of my way.
5) Munchkins – I’m a Crazy!
How they feel about Sociopaths:
1) Real Wo/men – Well, I’d rather they not be in the party, but I’ll keep my eye on them.
2) Actors – Sometimes can add depth to a party, not to mention a little danger.
3) Crazies – Not fun to play with at all. No sense of humor. A maniacal laugh doesn’t count.
4) Sociopaths – Extremely dangerous foes, or useful allies.
5) Munchkins – I’m a Sociopath!
How they feel about Munchkins:
1) Real Wo/men – Annoying, and one in every party. Just ignore them, and they’ll leave you alone.
2) Actors – Annoying and unfortunate. They detract from the game.
3) Crazies – Fun to play with, but they usually don’t get it. Or they try to play back and get it all wrong.
4) Sociopaths – My only good deed to the world will be to kill them when the time is right.
5) Munchkins – What’s a munchkin? Oh, so it’s a bad thing? Oh, well, good thing I’m not one.