A Media Entry – We Represent the Lullaby League

or, “You might be a munchkin if…” part 3, and I believe the final entry on my compleat guide to munchkins. Part 1 was somewhat general, and Part 2 focused a bit more on individual aspects of role-playing games (namely, swag), so what’s left? The true nature of a munchkin is revealed in how they play, especially in relation to the party. After all, common sense would dictate it’s a bad idea to tick off one’s fellow players. However, “common sense” is one of the many attributes a munchkin is lacking.

Would you steal from the party and what would take?:
1) Real Wo/men – I would not steal. That’s wrong.
2) Actors – Depends. What’s my motivation? Is it in character? How do I grow from the experience?
3) Crazies – Why not? I’d take their underwear, then put on my head and wear it into battle.
4) Sociopaths – I’d steal valuable things, then plant them on other party members to cause strife.
5) Munchkins – Hell, yeah, ’cause I’m the best thief ever. I’d take money and stuff and keep it all for myself.

Would you kill the party?:
1) Real Wo/men – No, never. That’s murder.
2) Actors – Probably not. Unless I was under some spell.
3) Crazies – No. I’m crazy, not stupid. Besides, if there’s no party, there’s no one to play with.
4) Sociopaths – If I could, I would sacrifice their souls to my dark gods in exchange for unholy power.
5) Munchkins – Hell, yeah, once they get high enough level. Then I’d get tons of XP and great stuff.

What would you do if your character died?:
1) Real Wo/men – Make a new one and make sure it doesn’t have the weaknesses that got the old one killed.
2) Actors – Mourn a bit. Then move on.
3) Crazies – Turn the character sheet into a paper airplane.
4) Sociopaths – Think to myself, “Curses, foiled again.”
5) Munchkins – Die? Why would I die? You can’t kill characters.

You’ve acquired a minion. What do you do with him/her/it?:
1) Real Wo/men – Train my minion to fight just like me.
2) Actors – Learn about my minion, his hopes, desires, and fears. Help him along his path in life.
3) Crazies – Use him as a handbag.
4) Sociopaths – Cultivate him as a sacrifice, or use him as a scapegoat for my misdeeds.
5) Munchkins – Great, someone to do my chores and fetch stuff for me. What do you mean I have to take care of him? Eh, screw that. I’ll use him to find traps and stuff then. It’s not like he’s a person or anything.

Ok, you’re in a room you the player are fairly certain has a hidden door. But your search rolls have been pretty poor, and the GM tells that you’ve found nothing. What do you do?
1) Real Wo/men – Move on. There’s plenty of stuff to beat up elsewhere. It’s not my fault the rogue didn’t find the hidden door.
2) Actors – Move on. My character doesn’t have any reason to think there’s a door here have failing to find one during the search.
3) Crazies – What? I was looking for a door? Better move on and find more stuff to play with.
4) Sociopaths – Move on and take it as a good sign this party didn’t find anything, because it means they are less likely to notice things I do that I shouldn’t…
5) Munchkins – Keep rolling until my search roll is completely maxed, never mind that it makes no sense to keep searching a room my character has already searched and found nothing in. And if I reach my max roll and still don’t find anything, and later the GM reveals the hidden door, whine how unfair it was that I didn’t find the door in the first place because I got my max roll.

Oops, your actions have resulted in the death of an important non-player character. What do you do?:
1) Real Wo/men – Not feel too bad if it was a bad guy, feel bad if it wasn’t, and try not to let it happen again.
2) Actors – Mourn, grieve. Have the character develop some sort of flaw or neurosis resulting from the death.
3) Crazies – It was a bad thing, that surely should never happen… hey, what’s the shiny thing over there?
4) Sociopaths – Secretly rejoice in the slaughter of the guilty and innocent alike.
5) Munchkins – Act surprised, shrug, be annoyed at any penalties incurred, wonder why the other players are upset, and fail to learn any lessons whatsoever.

How the GM feels about:
1) Real Wo/men – You can pretty much predict they’ll do the dumbest thing possible, although sometimes they can seriously de-rail the plot.
2) Actors – A pleasure to game with and watch as they grow into character.
3) Crazies – Entertaining, but impossible to plan around.
4) Sociopaths – As long as the party gets along, they add depth.
5) Munchkins – Let them roll dice, and ignore them when possible.

How they feel about the GM:
1) Real Wo/men – Needs to add a bit more combat.
2) Actors – Needs to add a bit more story.
3) Crazies – Needs to be surprised more by my antics.
4) Sociopaths – Needs to give me the opportunity to indulge my dark desires.
5) Munchkins – Needs to let me roll more. Just because I don’t have skill points doesn’t mean I can’t do stuff. I roll real good.

How they feel about Real Wo/men:
1) Real Wo/men – Always a great person to have in your party.
2) Actors – Well, you always need a bruiser and someone to absorb damage.
3) Crazies – So much fun to play with. And they’ll never fight back because they’re so goody-goody.
4) Sociopaths – Every party needs cannon fodder. And the dark gods like a pure soul.
5) Munchkins – I’m a Real Wo/man!

How they feel about Actors:
1) Real Wo/men – A bit emotional and moody, but good in a fight.
2) Actors – They add real depth to a party and an adventure.
3) Crazies – Fun to play with, but they fight back.
4) Sociopaths – Unpredictable. A danger to my plans. But useful pawns.
5) Munchkins – I’m an Actor!

How they feel about Crazies:
1) Real Wo/men – Well, there’s one in every party. You’ve just got to deal.
2) Actors – Annoying, but sometimes interesting.
3) Crazies – Ooo, a playmate!
4) Sociopaths – Throw them something shiny and they stay out of my way.
5) Munchkins – I’m a Crazy!

How they feel about Sociopaths:
1) Real Wo/men – Well, I’d rather they not be in the party, but I’ll keep my eye on them.
2) Actors – Sometimes can add depth to a party, not to mention a little danger.
3) Crazies – Not fun to play with at all. No sense of humor. A maniacal laugh doesn’t count.
4) Sociopaths – Extremely dangerous foes, or useful allies.
5) Munchkins – I’m a Sociopath!

How they feel about Munchkins:
1) Real Wo/men – Annoying, and one in every party. Just ignore them, and they’ll leave you alone.
2) Actors – Annoying and unfortunate. They detract from the game.
3) Crazies – Fun to play with, but they usually don’t get it. Or they try to play back and get it all wrong.
4) Sociopaths – My only good deed to the world will be to kill them when the time is right.
5) Munchkins – What’s a munchkin? Oh, so it’s a bad thing? Oh, well, good thing I’m not one.


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S. J. Drew is an aspiring writer who finally entered the blogosphere to shamelessly promote that writing (as evidenced by the title of the blog). Whether or not this works remains to be seen, but S. J. hopes you are at least entertained. And if you're actually reading this, that's probably a good sign.

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