Fifteen-minute Movie – Frozen

or, “Worst Parents Ever!

Icy Lake:
Ice Harvesters (singing) – Ice is great, also this song is completely foreshadowing the problems that are going to arise later in the movie with the two princesses.

L’il Kristoff – I’m going to be the best ice harvester ever!

Ice Harvester – Hey, um, does that kid and his baby reindeer belong to anyone?  No, well, okey-dokey, let’s get moving.  I’m sure he’ll be fine.

The Palace of Arendelle, the Princesses’ Room:
L’il Anna – Elsa, I can’t sleep.  Let’s go play!

L’il Elsa – You aren’t going to leave me alone, are you?

L’il Anna – Nope.

L’il Elsa – Fine, fine, I’ll do the magic.

[[The little girls sneak down into the ballroom and L’il Elsa creates a winter wonderland which goes great until L’il Anna gets over-excited and L’il Elsa accidentally hits her with her ice magic]]

L’il Elsa – Mom, Dad, help!

King – Oh, no, you were doing magic again, and now you’ve hurt your little sister.  But I know where to go for help.

[[L’il Kristoff happens to see them race away and follows them]]

Gray Smurfville, I mean, Trollville:
Papa Troll – I can fix her head and I’ll take the memories of Elsa’s magic away until Elsa can get control.  Good thing Elsa didn’t hit her heart or she’d be a goner.

Queen – So Anna will be okay?

Papa Troll – Yes.  She’ll just have this streak of whitish hair.  Now, Elsa, you have a beautiful but dangerous power.  Fear is your enemy.  Your Majesties, the solution to help Elsa control her powers is so ridiculously obvious I don’t think I even have to spell it out unless the you are the worst parents ever.

Mama Troll – Look, I found an adorable human orphan and his adorable baby reindeer.  I’m going to keep them!

The Palace:
King – So in order to make fear not Elsa’s enemy, clearly we must make fear her constant companion.  We’ll show her that she’s not an unstable, dangerous freak who can hurt people by locking her in a room in the castle, minimizing the staff, not opening the gates, and isolating her from everyone she knows and loves including her sister and best friend.  She’ll bottle up all her feelings and never show any emotion ever and then she’ll have control!  It’s so obvious!

Queen – And obviously if Elsa can’t have any kind of normal life, we must make sure Anna doesn’t either, for reasons.

[[Ten years pass and Elsa never leaves her room and Anna never leaves the castle; it’s pretty clear in the exposition song Anna’s getting a bit cracked in her isolation]]

Anna – This sucks.

[[The King and Queen die in a raging storm]]

Anna – This really sucks.  Elsa, can you please come out now?  You’re all I have left.

Elsa – Conceal, don’t feel.  Conceal, don’t feel.  Yes, that’s really what my parents taught me.

The Palace (three years later):
Citizen 1 – Wow, the gates haven’t been opened in over ten years.  We haven’t even seen the princesses since they were small children.

Citizen 2 – And none of us think that was remotely odd in any way!

Duke of Weaseltown – I’m a villain!

Anna – This is going to be the best day ever!  I’m so happy to see my sister!  It’s all I ever wanted.  And to meet a cute guy.  That would be great too!  Time for another exposition song! [[runs outside the palace with no kind of protection and gets all the way to the docks before a horse runs into her]]  Oh, right, I need to watch out for people and things!  I forgot!

Cute Guy – Here, let me help you.  I’m Prince Hans.

Anna – Whoa.  You’re the cutest guy I’ve ever seen!  Of course, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a guy my age before today, but that’s beside the point.

Hans – You’re adorkable.  Hey, shouldn’t you be at the coronation or something?

Anna – Right!  Yes, I’ll see you later!

[[The coronation goes off with only the slightest of hitches and Anna and Elsa reconnect for a bit until Anna is swept off her feet by Hans for a musical number]]

Hans – I know we just met, but will you marry me?

Anna – Yes!  Because princesses falling in love with a guy they just met happens in Disney movies all the time, so this is a totally reasonable course of action.  Let’s tell my sister!

Elsa – No, you can’t marry a guy you just met this morning!  That’s totally unreasonable!

Anna – Why are you so mean?  Why are you so emotionally distant?  What’s wrong with you?

Elsa – I must keep control.  Party’s over.  Everyone get out!

Anna – Why are you doing this?  It’s like you never learned to deal with your emotions in a healthy way as a result of being locked in your room for over a decade!

[[Elsa freaks out and ices down the castle]]

Anna – Oh, and you also have dangerous magic powers you’ve been concealing for years.

Duke – She’s a dangerous unstable freak with powers we should fear and hate!  Get her!

[[Elsa further freaks out, runs away, and accidentally freezes Arendelle]]

North Mountain:
Elsa – Now I’m free to be myself and I don’t need anyone and I can’t hurt anyone.  Yes, complete isolation is clearly the only path for control, and now it’s time to sing that song no one can get out of their head[[And she sings while using her powers on a level not before even hinted at]]

The Palace:
Anna – I have to after her.  Hans, you watch over the castle, even though we’re not married and you’re just a guest.  But apparently we don’t have viziers or prime ministers or any kind of secondary rulers in this kingdom to rule in case of emergencies.

[[In a series of wacky misadventures, Anna manages to not freeze to death, die of hypothermia, or get frostbite and reaches a trading post although she does lose her horse]]

Trading Post:
Anna – I need winter gear.

Oaken – Hoo-hoo!  We don’t have a lot because it’s summer.

Anna – I’ll take all you’ve got.

Kristoff – I need supplies.  Whatever’s going on at the North Mountain is really messing with the weather.

Oaken – You don’t have enough money.  Hoo-hoo!

Kristoff – You’re overcharging!

Oaken – Hoo-hoo, get out! [[Kristoff is unceremoniously removed from the premises]]

Anna – Here are the supplies you need.  Take me to the North Mountain.

Kristoff – Okay, but this is against my better judgment.  What are you going to do up there anyway?

Anna – Talk to my sister and convince her to thaw everything.

Kristoff – She’s the one that froze everything in the first place!

Anna – I know, but she was just scared.  I can fix this.  And then I can get married to Hans.  I met him this morning; it’s true love.

Kristoff – You’re going to marry a guy you just met?  You know that’s a disaster waiting to happen.

Anna – Did you not see the seventeen logos for Disney?  I’m fine.

[[After a scary chase with some wolves that results in the destruction of Kristoff’s livelihood, they continue on foot]]

Olaf – Hi!  I’m the totally marketable, kid-friendly sidekick!

Kristoff – I thought that was my reindeer, Sven.

Olaf – Can’t have too many cutesy sidekicks, right?

Anna – Okay, that’s great for merchandising, but how do you fit into the movie?

Olaf – Queen Elsa made me.  I can take you to her.

Kristoff – Wait, your sister can create sentient life?  I thought she just had ice powers!

Anna – Well, she’s been locked up for so long I don’t think even she knows what she can do.

[[They reach the ice palace]]

Kristoff – Wow, this place is totally kick-ice.

Anna – You stay here and I’ll go talk to her. [[enters the palace]]  Elsa, please come back!

Elsa – Anna, I’m happy here all alone.  You go back to Arendelle and have a life and be safe.

Anna – But I miss you!  And you kind of plunged the kingdom into eternal winter.

Elsa – What!?

Anna – I’m sure you can fix it.

Elsa – No, I can’t!  I don’t know how!  Please go back!

Anna – No, we’re together now, so I’m going to help you!

[[Elsa freaks out again and strikes Anna in the heart; then creates a terrifying snowman to chase Anna away as the palace cracks around her; meanwhile Hans abandons Arendelle to go search for Anna with two of the Duke’s evil goons in tow]]

Kristoff – So what’s your back-up plan?

Anna – I didn’t think I’d need one, actually.  And I feel terrible. [[A new streak of white appears in her hair]]

Kristoff – You need help.  Come on, I know just the place.

Kristoff – This is my family.

Anna – Rocks?

Olaf – I know I’m just a näive sentient snowman, but this seems kind of crazy to me.

Mama Troll – Oooh, Kristoff brought home a girlfriend.

Anna/Kristoff – What?  No!

Kristoff – I really don’t know that we have time for a song and dance number because Anna’s sick.

Mama Troll – Oh, it’s fine.  “He’s a bit of a fixer-upper…!

Baby Troll – Doesn’t that sound like the theme to “Fraggle Rock?

Mama Troll – No, of course not.  It’s not even close to the same.  Shut up!

Anna – I’m confused.

Mama Troll – And you’re getting married to Kristoff!

Kristoff – What, no!  She’s sick and needs help!

[[Anna swoons and her hair gets another white streak]]

Papa Troll – Oh, no, this time the ice magic got her heart.  She’s slowly freezing to death from the inside.  Only an act of true love has the power to thaw a frozen heart.

Kristoff – Okay, okay.  Anna, I’m going to get you to Hans!  You think it’s true love and maybe it is because this is a Disney movie.

Anna – I’m up for anything.

The Ice Palace:
Hans – Queen Elsa, we’re looking for Princess Anna.

[[The abominable snowman attacks, which allows the evil goons to get into the palace and try to kill Elsa; this does not work, and Hans keeps them from killing her, but she does end up passing out]]

The Palace in Arendelle, Dungeon:
Elsa – You have to let me go!  I’ll hurt everyone!

Hans – Anna is missing, and you need to end the unnatural winter and bring back summer.

Elsa – Anna is missing?  Oh, no, I’ve ruined everything!  I don’t know how to fix this!

Hans – Well, you better think of something before those people out there start calling for your head.  [[leaves]]

Elsa – [[the metal cuffs start to frost over]]  Oh, no.

[[Kristoff delivers Anna to the palace and rides off, despondent; Anna is taken to a room and Hans joins her]]

Hans – What happened?

Anna – Elsa hit my heart with her ice magic and I can be healed by true love’s kiss, so that’s why I’m here with you!

Hans – Oh, well, too bad I don’t love you.

Anna – Wait, what?

Hans – Nope, it turns out I’m a bad guy.  I wanted to marry your sister and take over Arendelle, after I killed her of course, but you were so desperate I decided I could marry you instead.  I’ll still have to kill your sister, but I just have to let you die.

Anna – What?!  This face-heel turn comes out of nowhere!  Besides, if you married one of us, you’d still be king or prince consort or something.

Hans – Yeah, well, it doesn’t make sense, but you didn’t see this twist coming!

Anna – That’s what I just said!

Hans – Anyway, feel free to expire any time.  [[Leaves, claims Anna married him before she died, and sentences Elsa to death]]

[[In the meantime, Elsa’s freak-out is reaching a fever pitch and resulted in frosting over much of the dungeon and calling in a giant storm]]

Sven – Grumph! 〈〈Stupid, go back for her!〉〉

Kristoff – You can’t really talk so I don’t have to pay attention to you.

Sven – Grrrrumphhhh! 〈〈I will haul your sorry butt down the mountain myself!〉〉

Kristoff – Fine, fine.  Whoa, that’s a totally unnatural storm!  We have to go back!

Olaf – Hey, is anyone in here?  Oh, Anna, let me help you.  You know Kristoff loves you, right?

Anna – No, and I really wish you’d said something before I ended up locked in here by the suddenly and inexplicably villainous Prince Hans.

Olaf – Well, let’s get you to Kristoff!

[[Elsa’s freak-out freezes most of the palace (again) and she wanders around aimlessly trying to escape from everything and all the major players end up out on the frozen bay]]

Frozen Bay:
Anna – Kristoff!  Where are you?

Kristoff – Anna!  Where are you?

Hans – Queen Elsa, you’ve got to stop this!

Elsa – I can’t!

Hans – Anna is dead!  You killed her with your ice powers!

[[And Elsa completely breaks down but the storm goes away]]

Anna – I see Kristoff!  Maybe I can reach him before I freeze to death.  But wait, is that Hans?  He looks like he’s about to stab my sister in the back!

Hans – Muahahahahaha!

Anna – If I go to Kristoff, I’ll live, but Elsa will die.  But if I try to save Elsa, I won’t get kissed and I’ll die.  Dang it! [[She runs over and puts herself in front of the killing blow; she turns completely into ice and the sword shatters on her frozen hand]]

Kristoff/Olaf/Elsa – Anna!

Elsa – What have I done?  What I have I done?

[[But Anna starts to thaw as Elsa cries on her and is returned to life and her hair is perfectly red again]]

Elsa – What happened?

Kristoff – Anna’s sacrifice for you was an act of true love.  True love thawed her frozen heart.

Elsa – Love!  That’s it!  Love was the answer all the time!  All I need is love and people who love me so I won’t be afraid of being a monster!

Anna – Wow, that’s so simple, I can’t believe we missed something so obvious for years and years and years.  If our parents hadn’t locked you up, we would have figured this out a lot sooner and before you nearly killed me and doomed the world to eternal winter.

Elsa – Yeah, I’m thinking our parents really messed up here.  Oh, and now I know I’m loved, I have perfect control and can fix all this.  [[Does so]]

Hans – Um, I’m really sorry.

Anna – No, you’re not. [[Punches him]]  And you’re a nonsensical villain!

Hans – Someone had to threaten Elsa’s life so you could save her!

Anna – Yeah, but why not the Duke of Weaseltown or his minions?  That would have made sense!

Hans – But then you’d have to choose between me and Kristoff, and that’s too complicated!

Anna – Why?  It’d be a lesson on not agreeing to marry the first guy you meet and we could have agreed to be friends.  It would have been a more mature and realistic ending than you suddenly turning into a regicidal maniac.

Hans – … Yeah, that would have been better.

Citizen 1 – Well, I guess that’s all sorted.  Our queen is a scary powerful ice sorceress with perfect control and we have nothing to fear ever again.

Guard – Duke of Weaseltown, we’re never doing business with you again.  Get out of our kingdom!

Prince’s escort – Well, he behaved like a jerk, but his family will sort him out.

Anna – Kristoff, I replaced your sled and you’re the Minister of Ice Delivery now!

Kristoff – That’s not a thing.

Anna – Of course it is.  My sister says so, and she’s the queen.

Kristoff – Can I kiss you now?

Anna – Heck, yeah, there’s got to be a romantic kiss somewhere.

Elsa – Hey, everyone, time for ice skating!  Everything is great for everyone!

–fade out–


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S. J. Drew is an aspiring writer who finally entered the blogosphere to shamelessly promote that writing (as evidenced by the title of the blog). Whether or not this works remains to be seen, but S. J. hopes you are at least entertained. And if you're actually reading this, that's probably a good sign.

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