Or, a more wordy and less embarrassing way of saying, “Toons that are hot.” I thought about a top ten list or something, and this is what I came up with. Hey, this is my misspent youth and my influences. I’m deliberately leaving out toons who are not adults and anthropomorphized toons. This is only based on my experience, so it’s possible I missed a few toons here and there.
1) Sexiest Toon – Jessica Rabbit
This is a ringer, though. In the context of her world, Jessica Rabbit is supposed to be a sexy toon. She’s not accidentally sexy or sexy in a certain way. As even she says, “I’m not bad; I’m just drawn that way.” She is drop-dead sexy, and her voice actress did a great job. That husky contralto is exactly the right pitch. But Jessica is more than a pretty face or curvy body. She’s got a strong personality and is completely devoted to her idiot husband Roger.
And no, Holli Would from Cool World is not even in the same category. Personality does have something to do with what I find attractive (even in a 2-D drawing), and an obvious male fantasy with no agency of her own, no matter how much she dances, is the opposite of hot for me.
2) Sexiest Toon With Glasses – The Baroness
Not only a trope-namer and stone-cold killer, she’s also a stone-cold hottie. She doesn’t have the best judgment when it comes to relationships, but everyone has some flaws. I distinctly remember one episode of “G.I.Joe” in which she, Destro, Lady Jaye, and Flint had been captured by some third party and she spent the whole thing in a bikini. And glasses. Damn.
3) Sexiest Non-Canon Superpowered Toon – Shego
I say “non-canon” to indicate neither a Marvel nor DC animated series. Oh, Shego, I heart you and your sarcasm and your deadpan snarker. My favorite Dragon and one of my favorite characters. I was a little disappointed in the artifical happy ending Disney tacked on for her though. Honorable mention goes to Evil-Lyn. Didn’t like her name, but she could pull off the purple bathing suit look and was pretty upfront about her Starscream nature.
It occurs to me at this point I seem to favor villains over heroes. Most villains, I think, have more personality than the heroes (especially in the children’s media I grew up with), so perhaps that’s what gives them the edge. Or this is a manifestation of the trope that evil is sexy.
4) Sexiest Side Character – Rio
From “Jem and the Holograms,” Rio, the band’s road manager, is one of the sexiest toons. He’s got purple hair! He’s nice, he’s sweet, he’s hot, he’s nearly perfect. I’m not saying he’s got a really stand-out personality, but nice can go a long way. And his girlfriend is awful. Rio deserved way better.
5) Sexiest Team – The ’90s X-men
Hands down. The later animated shows had fewer lines and a more blocky style, especially the DCAU. But the ’90s X-men were drawn more like their comic counterparts, which meant polyspandexylon painted costumes, dramatic hair, and lots of curves and muscles.
6) Sexiest Canon Superpowered Toon – too many choices!
Despite my dismissal of DCAU’s blocky style as not particularly sexy to me, I do indeed heart Harley Quinn (and yes, she has minor superpowers thanks to Poison Ivy). That sexy clown can tell me a joke any time. But then there’s the entire ’90s X-men team, particularly Storm and Wolverine. Oh, sure, Wolverine was short, hairy, and bad tempered (and the cartoon made this quite clear), and yet there was some kind of animal magnetism. Maybe it was the voice. And while I know a lot of people thought Rogue was the sexiest, my heart (or whatever) belonged to Storm. She had a kind of power and grace I just didn’t get from Rogue. And, as always, there’s Batman. Again, while the blocky drawing style isn’t particularly hot for me, even I can’t resist that kind of brooding angst when so perfectly delivered by the voice actor.
7) Sexiest Nerd – ’90s Peter Parker
The most buff Peter Parker has ever been depicted was in the early ’90s cartoon. The animation style wasn’t particularly smooth, but the personality was spot on as were the quips. And Peter just happened to be totally cut. Honorable mention goes to ’90s Beast whose soft-spoken voice and eloquent personality are almost enough to make me overlook the blue fur.
8) Sexiest Rogue – Seahawk
You thought I’d say ’90s X-men Rogue, didn’t you? Sorry, I mean “rogue” as in “scoundrel” and not quite a good guy. While I’m okay with ’90s Gambit, my heart (or whatever) is won over by Seahawk, the pirate with the flying ship in “She-ra.” Unlike the overly muscled men of Eternia, Seahawk had more normal human proportions. Also, he was a pirate, and pirates are cool. Sorry Gambit, actual pirate trumps thief in the game of “Who’s the Baddest Bad Boy?”
9) Sexiest Non-Anthropomorphized Non-Human – Goliath
He just edges out Beast here. He had power, he had pathos, he had a great voice, and the one time he was transformed into a human, he was even sexier. There was no doubt Elise was going to fall for him.
10) Sexiest Human – April O’Neil
Not many people can pull of the “skintight yellow jumpsuit” look nor do I think many people attempted it. That suit wasn’t zipped up all the way, either. While I don’t think that look said, “professional reporter,” it certainly stood out, which was helpful given all the times she got captured.
Welp, that’s enough of my weirdness exposed for today. I’ve got some cartoons to watch.