Fifteen-minute Movie – Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

or, “Slightly Better Than the First

Baxter Building:
Johnny – Please note again that I am totally awesome, and now I’ll be marketing myself now as “Johnny Storm – Totally Awesome.”  Or maybe “Johnny Storm – Ultra-awesome.”  What do you think?

Ben – I don’t care.  I’m just glad Alicia loves me.

Johnny – Good thing she’s blind.

Ben – Don’t start with me, matchstick.

Sue – Boys, please!  My fourth attempt at a wedding is in just a few days.  Reed, don’t you dare start on another project or I will kill you.

Reed – Right, no science projects.  Got it.

Sue – Ok, this should be fine as long as nothing else goes wrong.

[[Cue something else going wrong – a planet is destroyed and the silver thing responsible heads towards Earth bringing in weird weather and unfortunately awakening Dr. Doom]]

Johnny – Hey, Reed, it’s time for your bachelor party!

Reed – Oh, god.  This isn’t going to be some embarrassing spectacle of shallowness, is it?

Johnny – Hey, Reed, it’s me.  Please.

Embarrassing Spectacle of Shallowness:
Reed – Oh, god, a nightclub and strippers.

Johnny – Dude, they aren’t strippers.  They’re just totally hot.  Lighten up.

Reed – What about Sue?  She’d kill me.

Johnny – And this is my problem how? [[goes off with the ladies]]

Ben – Ya know, Reed, for a guy who’s supposed to be super-smart, how come you never see things like this coming?

Reed – *sigh*

[[After a dance number with Reed, top brass crash the party]]

General Hager – So there’s some weird silver thing that seems to be carving holes in our planet.  You are regarded as a top scientist in these matters, but since I’m feeling like a dick and you made a total ass of yourself, I’m going to demand you build me a sensor to track it.

Reed – No.  I’m getting married and don’t have the time to do what you say.  And you are really being a dick.

Baxter Building:
Reed – Soooo I’ll just build this sensor for me.  Sue will never know.  Weird, I wonder why the thing started heading to New York when I got my sensor working.  It’s like it’s tracking the sensor…

Wedding Day:
Sue – Reed, you did not bring your portable computer with you.

Reed – Of course not… heh heh.  Erm, could we maybe speed this up a bit?

Sue – Speed this up a bit?  What is wrong with you?  And you do have your PDA!  And it’s beeping in an alarming fashion!

Reed – Well, yeah, maybe a little…incoming!

[[the mysterious silver streak completely destroys the sensor and takes out the news helicopter]]

Reed – Johnny, go get it!

Johnny – Dude, seriously?  This tux is like totally expensive.

Reed – You’re the only one who can fly.

Johnny – Right.  [[takes off after the silver object]]

Sue – [[stares morosely at the wreck of her fourth wedding]]  I am going to kill Reed.

Johnny – Hey, silver dude, you want to slow down there a second?  [[The silver guy speeds up]]  You know, or not… [[Eventually Johnny flies too high and his fire goes out; he’s caught by the silver guy and dropped eventually taking a faceplant into the desert but surviving]]  And I am still totally awesome.

Baxter Building again:
Reed – Ok, Johnny, what was it?

Johnny – A silver dude on a surfboard.

Reed and Co – *blink.  Blink blink*

Reed – A silver surfer?  Are you kidding?

Johnny – Nope.

Hager – Well, since you’re not getting married or doing anything important, help us figure out why this thing is punching holes in the Earth and where it’s going to strike next.

Sue – Go ahead, Reed, I’ll kill you later.  By the way, is Johnny going to have any side effects from his encounter with the Surfer?

Johnny – I’m sure I’ll be fine [[and by touching Sue promptly switches powers with her]]

Sue – I’m on fire!!!  AAAAGGGHH!!!

Reed – Hey, Sue, you’re on fire.

Sue – Thanks for noticing, genius!  What do I do now?

Reed – Stop, drop, and roll?

Johnny – I’ll save you!  [[turns invisible instead of catching on fire]] Ok, I’ll tell you that this invisibility thing does not work for me.  Here, touch my hand.

Sue – [[does so]] And now I’m naked in public again.  Great.  [[goes invisible]]

Reed – Ok, I’m going to hypothesize that Johnny’s encounter with the Surfer has made his molecules unstable and that he could switch powers with any of us.

Ben – Wow, Reed, that’s genius.

Reed – And I’m pretty sure that was sarcasm.

Baxter Building, Later:
Sue – Reed, I think when we finally get married, we should break up the team.  I just can’t see this superhero lifestyle as compatible with raising a family.

Reed – Okay, but Ben and Johnny will be crushed.

Sue – We won’t tell them until later.

Johnny – Or I could conveniently overhear you and lament to Ben how awful it is to break up the team.

Ben – They’re entitled to their lives, kid.

Johnny – Dude, am I the only one who’s going to be selfish and unreasonable about this?

Ben – Aren’t you always?

Frozen Wasteland:
Victor – And because I’m Dr. Doom, I already figured out where the Silver Surfer is going to strike next.  Silver Surfer.  Honestly.  And shouldn’t I be “DOOM?”  Or at least “Dr. Doom?”

Vic – Ok, ok, I get it, I’m still not comic-book awesome DOOM.  Fine.  Victor it is.  Moving on.  At least I’m not the ‘Silver Surfer.’

Silver Surfer – Hey, I was created in the sixties by a guy with an alliteration fetish.

Victor – So was I, but I have a totally kick-ass name.

Surfer – Whatever.  What do you want?

Victor – I think we should join forces to take over the world.

Surfer – You think I’m punching holes in your planet to take it over?

Victor – Well, sure.  Doesn’t everyone want to take over the world?

Surfer – *blink blink* (metaphorically, of course, as the Surfer has no eyelids to actually blink) I’m going to have to decline your offer.

Victor – Then die! [[blasts him]]

Surfer – And that was annoying. [[blasts him back]]

Victor – Hey, look, that blast of cosmic energy is causing me to regenerate.  Keen.

Ben – Are you sure this is where that thing is going to strike next?

[[Cue the Surfer trying to punch a hole in the Thames river]]

Ben – Yeah, yeah, me and my big mouth.  Ah, well, we can handle this.

Reed – Just as long as Johnny doesn’t inconveniently switch powers with us while chasing the Surfer.

Johnny – Oh, you mean I shouldn’t crash into you like this? [[crashes into Reed, who manages to save the day despite having no experience with Johnny’s powers; Johnny ends up a puddle of goo]]  Heh, whoops, well, London didn’t need a river.  So could you switch back with me?

Hager – Okay, you guys screwed up so I’m making you work with Dr. Doom to help us capture the Surfer.

Victor – And I totally hate you guys and I’d really love to kill you but since I can’t I’m going to be the smuggest dick about this you ever saw.

Reed – You weren’t already?

Victor – Oh, you’ll see.  See, I already know where the Surfer will strike next and I know that his power source is that surfboard thing.  We get it away from him and we win.  I am so damn smart.

Reed – I hate you.

Victor – Yeah, I know, so let’s go get this guy.

Reed – General, you know you can’t trust him.  He’s going to betray you and possibly try to kill you.

Hager – Since I’m in a competition for title of smuggest dick in this film, I’m going to ignore your warning and insult you.  Anyway, he has no powers anymore.

Victor – Yeah, you keep believing that until I prove Reed is right.

[[Reed and Victor collaborate on a set of devices that in theory will stop the Surfer]]

Hager – Hurry it up, nerdlinger.

Reed – You know what?  You’re a dick and I don’t have to listen to you bad-mouth my family.  You hired me because I could do the job so let me do it and just shut up, okay?

Hager – Okaaay… Well, that was an unexpected show of spine.  Whatever, I’m still in charge.

[[They set up the devices except for Sue who gets interrupted by the Surfer]]

Reed – Sue, what’s up?

Sue –[[puts up a shield the Surfer goes right through which he should since he already went through matter easily enough]]  He’s looking at me, Reed.

Reed – Okay, don’t panic.  Just set the thing and go, okay.

Hager – Or my boys can GET HIM! [[troops run after the Surfer, who heads out; they activate the devices and the Surfer falls off his board promptly turning both of them tarnished silver]]

Army Base:
Ben – So if we’re the good guys, why does it look like we’re bein’ held prisoner here?

Johnny – What?  I was totally hitting on that Frankie Raye chick and not paying attention.

Ben – No surprises there.

Reed – You know, I’ve been looking at this data some more and I think that board thing isn’t just an energy source, but a beacon to call something here.  It would have to be massive.

Sue – And isn’t anyone concerned these army guys are going to torture the Surfer for information?

Reed – Well, we’re heroes so let’s be heroic.

Johnny – Hey, guard, can you open the door?

Guard – Sure.  What did you need?

Sue – A distraction for you idiots.  Hello, I’m the Invisible Woman and you just open the door?

Victor – Hey, they’re letting me have the board, so how bright do you think they are?

Johnny – Point to Vic.  So, how about Lt. Raye’s phone number?  [[slams door]] That went well.

[[Sue finds the Surfer who is in fact being tortured; the guard heads off and she slips in to talk to him]]

Sue – What’s your name?

Surfer – *blink blink* (metaphorically again)

Sue – Look, I don’t want them torturing you.  Why didn’t you fight me?

Surfer – You remind me of the woman I once loved.

Sue – Oh, that’s so sweet.  Here, I’ll figure out a way to get you out of here.

Surfer – You need to hurry.  My master is coming.

Sue – Please be explaining.

Surfer – Behold, belly-vision.

Sue – Seriously?

Surfer – It’s all I got.  The long and the short of it is that my boss, Galactus the Eater of Worlds, is coming to eat your world.  That board is the beacon and I may be able to send him away if I can get it back.

Sue – Why didn’t you fight this Galactus guy instead of working for him and destroying other worlds?

Surfer – I didn’t have a lot of time to think, okay, and now I’m not sure I’m brave enough to fight him.

Sue – Well, maybe you better find your courage.  Now, let’s get the hell out of here because I’m not giving up my planet without a fight.

Victor – And I’ll just take this cosmic power source for myself to boost the superpowers I still have and totally lied to the army about. [[steps on the board and tarnishes it]]  Sweet.

Hager – That was not our agreement.  Put it back.

Victor – As much as I hate proving Reed right, well, I’m sure as hell not going to do what you want. [[betrays and kills Hager, then takes off with the board]]  Loser.

[[Sue springs the Surfer and they all meet up and realize Dr. Doom already has the board]]

Reed – Luckily, I built a flying car.  It also splits into four separate flying cars because I’m just that totally awesome.  Please ignore the blatant product placement.

Johnny – You are such a geek.  Still, this is a sweet ride.

Surfer – My name is Norrin Radd, by the way.

Johnny – Dude, really?  That’s pretty cool.  Much better than Silver Surfer.

Surfer – *frosty sigh*  I didn’t call myself that; you did.

Hong Kong:
Reed – Victor, you’ve got to give up the board!  That thing is calling in a giant monster to destroy our planet!

Victor – I’m much smarter than you and I haven’t come to that conclusion so clearly you’re trying to trick me into giving up my cosmic power.

Reed – Do you really think I’m capable of that kind of deviousness?

Victor – Well, that is a fair point, and the sky is getting ominously dark, but since when I have ever listened to you?

Reed – This would be a really good time to start!

Victor – I don’t listen to losers.  Better get rid of the Surfer so he doesn’t try anything funny.  [[flings a spear at the Surfer; Sue puts up a force field to block it, but it goes right through]]

Sue – Ouch!  Given how the Surfer went through my shield earlier, I probably should have seen that coming.

Victor – Okay, well, not the target I was going for but that works for me.

Reed – Noooooo!!!!  [[Reed becomes despondent]]

Ben – Look, Reed, I know this hurts, but you’re the smartest guy I know so you’d better come up with a plan real fast or we’ll all end up dead.

Reed – But the only way to defeat Victor is to combine our powers and get that board away from him.

Sue – Yeah, and I’m kind of dying here, so I can’t help.

Johnny – Wait, how about I take everyone’s powers?  Then I can go beat up that jerk while you figure out how to save my sister.

Reed – Well, alright.

[[By their powers combined, Johnny becomes the Super-Skrull…er, Fantastic One]]

Johnny – Yeah, I am totally awesome.  [[proceeds to curb-stomp Dr. Doom]]

Ben – And just to add insult to injury, I’m going to knock you off that board with a crane! [[proceeds to do so]]

Johnny – Here’s your board and here’s everyone’s powers.  [[gives everyone back their powers]]

Sue – Ok, I’ll die now.  [[does so]]

Surfer – [[takes the board back]]  You know the best thing about the power cosmic?  It’s cosmic. [[brings Sue back to life]]

Johnny – That was the awesomest thing I’ve ever seen.

Reed – Please don’t die on me again.

Sue – Oh, believe me, I’ll try not to.

Surfer – I’m going to defy my master and save your world and most likely die myself.

Sue – Thanks for your self-sacrifice.

Surfer – Well, I probably should have found my courage a long time ago.  [[flies into the atmosphere to fight a nebula thing (which is probably less silly than a giant purple guy in a ship) and explodes, dispersing it]]

Ben – So the sky clearing up means the planet isn’t going to be destroyed?

Reed – I agree with that hypothesis.

Johnny – Hey, Sue, I know I got all upset about you wanting to break up the team, but I totally understand if you want to have a normal life.  Well, no, I really don’t because superpowers are awesome, but I won’t be mad at you.

Sue – Thanks, that’s sweet, but I’ve decided a normal life is overrated.  We aren’t normal so why pretend?  We’ll keep the team together.

Johnny/Ben – Cool.

Reed – So, do you want to get married?  Fifth time’s the charm.

Married in a Hurry in Hong Kong:
Official – Do you Sue Storm…

Reed – Er, Venice is sinking.

Sue – Hurry up, please.  We’ve got a thing to do.

Official – Okay, so you’re married.  Go save the world.

Ben – Johnny, you know if Frankie catches that bouquet it means you’ve got to marry her.

Johnny – Oh hell no! [[torches the bouquet]]  Look at the time.  I’ve got a thing to do.

Sue – So this is happily ever after?

Reed – We’ll make it work.  Come on, we’ve got a thing to do.


Secret Ending Silver Surfer – Wow, it turns out I’m not dead.  I wonder if I’ll get my own movie.  But these two weren’t very good so I don’t have high hopes.  Oh well.


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S. J. Drew is an aspiring writer who finally entered the blogosphere to shamelessly promote that writing (as evidenced by the title of the blog). Whether or not this works remains to be seen, but S. J. hopes you are at least entertained. And if you're actually reading this, that's probably a good sign.

One thought on “Fifteen-minute Movie – Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer”

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