or, “Slightly Better Than the First”
Johnny – Please note again that I am totally awesome, and now I’ll be marketing myself now as “Johnny Storm – Totally Awesome.” Or maybe “Johnny Storm – Ultra-awesome.” What do you think?
Ben – I don’t care. I’m just glad Alicia loves me.
Johnny – Good thing she’s blind.
Ben – Don’t start with me, matchstick.
Sue – Boys, please! My fourth attempt at a wedding is in just a few days. Reed, don’t you dare start on another project or I will kill you.
Reed – Right, no science projects. Got it.
Sue – Ok, this should be fine as long as nothing else goes wrong.
[[Cue something else going wrong – a planet is destroyed and the silver thing responsible heads towards Earth bringing in weird weather and unfortunately awakening Dr. Doom]]
Johnny – Hey, Reed, it’s time for your bachelor party!
Reed – Oh, god. This isn’t going to be some embarrassing spectacle of shallowness, is it?
Johnny – Hey, Reed, it’s me. Please.
Embarrassing Spectacle of Shallowness:
Reed – Oh, god, a nightclub and strippers.
Johnny – Dude, they aren’t strippers. They’re just totally hot. Lighten up.
Reed – What about Sue? She’d kill me.
Johnny – And this is my problem how? [[goes off with the ladies]]
Ben – Ya know, Reed, for a guy who’s supposed to be super-smart, how come you never see things like this coming?
Reed – *sigh*
[[After a dance number with Reed, top brass crash the party]]
General Hager – So there’s some weird silver thing that seems to be carving holes in our planet. You are regarded as a top scientist in these matters, but since I’m feeling like a dick and you made a total ass of yourself, I’m going to demand you build me a sensor to track it.
Reed – No. I’m getting married and don’t have the time to do what you say. And you are really being a dick.
Reed – Soooo I’ll just build this sensor for me. Sue will never know. Weird, I wonder why the thing started heading to New York when I got my sensor working. It’s like it’s tracking the sensor…
Sue – Reed, you did not bring your portable computer with you.
Reed – Of course not… heh heh. Erm, could we maybe speed this up a bit?
Sue – Speed this up a bit? What is wrong with you? And you do have your PDA! And it’s beeping in an alarming fashion!
Reed – Well, yeah, maybe a little…incoming!
[[the mysterious silver streak completely destroys the sensor and takes out the news helicopter]]
Reed – Johnny, go get it!
Johnny – Dude, seriously? This tux is like totally expensive.
Reed – You’re the only one who can fly.
Johnny – Right. [[takes off after the silver object]]
Sue – [[stares morosely at the wreck of her fourth wedding]] I am going to kill Reed.
Johnny – Hey, silver dude, you want to slow down there a second? [[The silver guy speeds up]] You know, or not… [[Eventually Johnny flies too high and his fire goes out; he’s caught by the silver guy and dropped eventually taking a faceplant into the desert but surviving]] And I am still totally awesome.
Baxter Building again:
Reed – Ok, Johnny, what was it?
Johnny – A silver dude on a surfboard.
Reed and Co – *blink. Blink blink*
Reed – A silver surfer? Are you kidding?
Johnny – Nope.
Hager – Well, since you’re not getting married or doing anything important, help us figure out why this thing is punching holes in the Earth and where it’s going to strike next.
Sue – Go ahead, Reed, I’ll kill you later. By the way, is Johnny going to have any side effects from his encounter with the Surfer?
Johnny – I’m sure I’ll be fine [[and by touching Sue promptly switches powers with her]]
Sue – I’m on fire!!! AAAAGGGHH!!!
Reed – Hey, Sue, you’re on fire.
Sue – Thanks for noticing, genius! What do I do now?
Reed – Stop, drop, and roll?
Johnny – I’ll save you! [[turns invisible instead of catching on fire]] Ok, I’ll tell you that this invisibility thing does not work for me. Here, touch my hand.
Sue – [[does so]] And now I’m naked in public again. Great. [[goes invisible]]
Reed – Ok, I’m going to hypothesize that Johnny’s encounter with the Surfer has made his molecules unstable and that he could switch powers with any of us.
Ben – Wow, Reed, that’s genius.
Reed – And I’m pretty sure that was sarcasm.
Baxter Building, Later:
Sue – Reed, I think when we finally get married, we should break up the team. I just can’t see this superhero lifestyle as compatible with raising a family.
Reed – Okay, but Ben and Johnny will be crushed.
Sue – We won’t tell them until later.
Johnny – Or I could conveniently overhear you and lament to Ben how awful it is to break up the team.
Ben – They’re entitled to their lives, kid.
Johnny – Dude, am I the only one who’s going to be selfish and unreasonable about this?
Ben – Aren’t you always?
Victor – And because I’m Dr. Doom, I already figured out where the Silver Surfer is going to strike next. Silver Surfer. Honestly. And shouldn’t I be “DOOM?” Or at least “Dr. Doom?”
Vic – Ok, ok, I get it, I’m still not comic-book awesome DOOM. Fine. Victor it is. Moving on. At least I’m not the ‘Silver Surfer.’
Victor – So was I, but I have a totally kick-ass name.
Surfer – Whatever. What do you want?
Victor – I think we should join forces to take over the world.
Surfer – You think I’m punching holes in your planet to take it over?
Victor – Well, sure. Doesn’t everyone want to take over the world?
Surfer – *blink blink* (metaphorically, of course, as the Surfer has no eyelids to actually blink) I’m going to have to decline your offer.
Victor – Then die! [[blasts him]]
Surfer – And that was annoying. [[blasts him back]]
Victor – Hey, look, that blast of cosmic energy is causing me to regenerate. Keen.
Ben – Are you sure this is where that thing is going to strike next?
[[Cue the Surfer trying to punch a hole in the Thames river]]
Ben – Yeah, yeah, me and my big mouth. Ah, well, we can handle this.
Reed – Just as long as Johnny doesn’t inconveniently switch powers with us while chasing the Surfer.
Johnny – Oh, you mean I shouldn’t crash into you like this? [[crashes into Reed, who manages to save the day despite having no experience with Johnny’s powers; Johnny ends up a puddle of goo]] Heh, whoops, well, London didn’t need a river. So could you switch back with me?
Hager – Okay, you guys screwed up so I’m making you work with Dr. Doom to help us capture the Surfer.
Victor – And I totally hate you guys and I’d really love to kill you but since I can’t I’m going to be the smuggest dick about this you ever saw.
Reed – You weren’t already?
Victor – Oh, you’ll see. See, I already know where the Surfer will strike next and I know that his power source is that surfboard thing. We get it away from him and we win. I am so damn smart.
Reed – I hate you.
Victor – Yeah, I know, so let’s go get this guy.
Reed – General, you know you can’t trust him. He’s going to betray you and possibly try to kill you.
Hager – Since I’m in a competition for title of smuggest dick in this film, I’m going to ignore your warning and insult you. Anyway, he has no powers anymore.
Victor – Yeah, you keep believing that until I prove Reed is right.
[[Reed and Victor collaborate on a set of devices that in theory will stop the Surfer]]
Hager – Hurry it up, nerdlinger.
Reed – You know what? You’re a dick and I don’t have to listen to you bad-mouth my family. You hired me because I could do the job so let me do it and just shut up, okay?
Hager – Okaaay… Well, that was an unexpected show of spine. Whatever, I’m still in charge.
[[They set up the devices except for Sue who gets interrupted by the Surfer]]
Reed – Sue, what’s up?
Sue –[[puts up a shield the Surfer goes right through which he should since he already went through matter easily enough]] He’s looking at me, Reed.
Reed – Okay, don’t panic. Just set the thing and go, okay.
Hager – Or my boys can GET HIM! [[troops run after the Surfer, who heads out; they activate the devices and the Surfer falls off his board promptly turning both of them tarnished silver]]
Ben – So if we’re the good guys, why does it look like we’re bein’ held prisoner here?
Johnny – What? I was totally hitting on that Frankie Raye chick and not paying attention.
Ben – No surprises there.
Reed – You know, I’ve been looking at this data some more and I think that board thing isn’t just an energy source, but a beacon to call something here. It would have to be massive.
Sue – And isn’t anyone concerned these army guys are going to torture the Surfer for information?
Reed – Well, we’re heroes so let’s be heroic.
Johnny – Hey, guard, can you open the door?
Guard – Sure. What did you need?
Sue – A distraction for you idiots. Hello, I’m the Invisible Woman and you just open the door?
Victor – Hey, they’re letting me have the board, so how bright do you think they are?
Johnny – Point to Vic. So, how about Lt. Raye’s phone number? [[slams door]] That went well.
[[Sue finds the Surfer who is in fact being tortured; the guard heads off and she slips in to talk to him]]
Sue – What’s your name?
Surfer – *blink blink* (metaphorically again)
Sue – Look, I don’t want them torturing you. Why didn’t you fight me?
Surfer – You remind me of the woman I once loved.
Sue – Oh, that’s so sweet. Here, I’ll figure out a way to get you out of here.
Surfer – You need to hurry. My master is coming.
Sue – Please be explaining.
Surfer – Behold, belly-vision.
Sue – Seriously?
Surfer – It’s all I got. The long and the short of it is that my boss, Galactus the Eater of Worlds, is coming to eat your world. That board is the beacon and I may be able to send him away if I can get it back.
Sue – Why didn’t you fight this Galactus guy instead of working for him and destroying other worlds?
Surfer – I didn’t have a lot of time to think, okay, and now I’m not sure I’m brave enough to fight him.
Sue – Well, maybe you better find your courage. Now, let’s get the hell out of here because I’m not giving up my planet without a fight.
Victor – And I’ll just take this cosmic power source for myself to boost the superpowers I still have and totally lied to the army about. [[steps on the board and tarnishes it]] Sweet.
Hager – That was not our agreement. Put it back.
Victor – As much as I hate proving Reed right, well, I’m sure as hell not going to do what you want. [[betrays and kills Hager, then takes off with the board]] Loser.
[[Sue springs the Surfer and they all meet up and realize Dr. Doom already has the board]]
Reed – Luckily, I built a flying car. It also splits into four separate flying cars because I’m just that totally awesome. Please ignore the blatant product placement.
Johnny – You are such a geek. Still, this is a sweet ride.
Surfer – My name is Norrin Radd, by the way.
Johnny – Dude, really? That’s pretty cool. Much better than Silver Surfer.
Surfer – *frosty sigh* I didn’t call myself that; you did.
Reed – Victor, you’ve got to give up the board! That thing is calling in a giant monster to destroy our planet!
Victor – I’m much smarter than you and I haven’t come to that conclusion so clearly you’re trying to trick me into giving up my cosmic power.
Reed – Do you really think I’m capable of that kind of deviousness?
Victor – Well, that is a fair point, and the sky is getting ominously dark, but since when I have ever listened to you?
Reed – This would be a really good time to start!
Victor – I don’t listen to losers. Better get rid of the Surfer so he doesn’t try anything funny. [[flings a spear at the Surfer; Sue puts up a force field to block it, but it goes right through]]
Sue – Ouch! Given how the Surfer went through my shield earlier, I probably should have seen that coming.
Victor – Okay, well, not the target I was going for but that works for me.
Reed – Noooooo!!!! [[Reed becomes despondent]]
Ben – Look, Reed, I know this hurts, but you’re the smartest guy I know so you’d better come up with a plan real fast or we’ll all end up dead.
Reed – But the only way to defeat Victor is to combine our powers and get that board away from him.
Sue – Yeah, and I’m kind of dying here, so I can’t help.
Johnny – Wait, how about I take everyone’s powers? Then I can go beat up that jerk while you figure out how to save my sister.
Reed – Well, alright.
[[By their powers combined, Johnny becomes the Super-Skrull…er, Fantastic One]]
Johnny – Yeah, I am totally awesome. [[proceeds to curb-stomp Dr. Doom]]
Ben – And just to add insult to injury, I’m going to knock you off that board with a crane! [[proceeds to do so]]
Johnny – Here’s your board and here’s everyone’s powers. [[gives everyone back their powers]]
Sue – Ok, I’ll die now. [[does so]]
Surfer – [[takes the board back]] You know the best thing about the power cosmic? It’s cosmic. [[brings Sue back to life]]
Johnny – That was the awesomest thing I’ve ever seen.
Reed – Please don’t die on me again.
Sue – Oh, believe me, I’ll try not to.
Surfer – I’m going to defy my master and save your world and most likely die myself.
Sue – Thanks for your self-sacrifice.
Surfer – Well, I probably should have found my courage a long time ago. [[flies into the atmosphere to fight a nebula thing (which is probably less silly than a giant purple guy in a ship) and explodes, dispersing it]]
Ben – So the sky clearing up means the planet isn’t going to be destroyed?
Reed – I agree with that hypothesis.
Johnny – Hey, Sue, I know I got all upset about you wanting to break up the team, but I totally understand if you want to have a normal life. Well, no, I really don’t because superpowers are awesome, but I won’t be mad at you.
Sue – Thanks, that’s sweet, but I’ve decided a normal life is overrated. We aren’t normal so why pretend? We’ll keep the team together.
Johnny/Ben – Cool.
Reed – So, do you want to get married? Fifth time’s the charm.
Married in a Hurry in Hong Kong:
Official – Do you Sue Storm…
Reed – Er, Venice is sinking.
Sue – Hurry up, please. We’ve got a thing to do.
Official – Okay, so you’re married. Go save the world.
Ben – Johnny, you know if Frankie catches that bouquet it means you’ve got to marry her.
Johnny – Oh hell no! [[torches the bouquet]] Look at the time. I’ve got a thing to do.
Sue – So this is happily ever after?
Reed – We’ll make it work. Come on, we’ve got a thing to do.
Secret Ending Silver Surfer – Wow, it turns out I’m not dead. I wonder if I’ll get my own movie. But these two weren’t very good so I don’t have high hopes. Oh well.