or, “Proof You Need a Good Antagonist to Make a Movie Successful”
Ben – Reed, I proposed to my girlfriend last night and she agreed!
Reed – That’s great! Of course, that reminds how I blew it with Sue.
Vic – Really, “Vic?” That’s it? I’m DOOM!
Vic – Still Vic. How about Dr. Doom?
Vic – Not even “Victor?”
Vic – I see. Well, maybe that will change later. Anyway, Reed, how are the calculations going for the launch?
Reed – Nearly done. I’m a little worried about the solar flares though.
Vic – I’m sure it will be fine. Just because I took over your experiment, stole your girl by offering her the job of head geneticist… wait, really?
Sue – I’m smart!
Vic – Sure, honey. Anyway, just because I fully intend to marry her because you totally blew it with her, and made her idiot brother the pilot on this flight just to tick you and Ben off, and am generally doing my best to completely humiliate you doesn’t mean I don’t have great confidence in your abilities not to totally screw this up.
Reed – Gee, thanks Victor. That’s nice. Real nice.
Ben – Why are we letting her idiot brother fly this thing? He crashed a flight simulator! A simulator!
Reed – Victor’s in charge.
Johnny – Relax, Ben, it’ll be totally sweet. I’m totally awesome, so how can this not work out great?
Ben – What a revoltin’ development.
[[Despite the odds, Johnny manages to fly Reed, Sue, Ben, and Vic to the space station that is already in orbit without damaging anything at all]]
Johnny – See, I am totally awesome, like I said.
Reed – I am getting really worried about these solar flares. They are much more powerful than I expected. I think we should abort the mission.
Vic – But we just got here. And we’ve got shielding. It’ll be fine. And if it gets really bad, I’ll just close off the extra shielding in here to protect me and leave you losers to die.
[[Ben is sent out to do some experiments while the others watch; Vic stays in the secure part of the station]]
Reed – Oh, no, the solar flares! We need to rescue Ben! Victor, we need to get to the secured area now!
Vic – Wow, those readings are alarming. I just don’t think there’s time for you to get here and for me to put up the shields.
Reed – But you’ll leave all of us, including your fiancee, out here to die!
Vic – Yeah, that’s a shame. Better you than me. [[closes the shields]]
[[everyone is bombarded with huge amounts of cosmic radiation while Vic is apparently safe inside the shields; incredibly everyone lives and is transported back to Earth safely]]
[[everyone except Vic is subject to many tests to determine what happened to them; Vic gets all sulky because he’s got one little scar on his pretty face]]
Nurse – Mr. Storm, you’re running a fever.
Johnny – Because I’m totally hot. So, let’s ditch everyone and go do something totally awesome!
Nurse – Sure, why not?
Sue – So, Victor, I can’t help but notice you left me for dead back on that space station.
Vic – I panicked. I still love you, baby.
Sue – You can go to hell. [[storms off]]
Vic – Ok, well, at least I have a big pile of money to comfort me. Oh, a message from my broker…So it seems a failed shuttle has caused my stocks to drop. This is not good.
Reed – So, Sue, I can’t help but notice you’re not with Victor any more. Also, you appear to be disappearing.
Sue – You also appear to be stretching.
[[there’s a crash from somewhere in the hospital; Reed and Sue rush to the scene to find a wrecked hospital room]]
Reed – What happened?
Doctor – It’s Mr. Grimm. He…changed. Then he ran out of here.
Reed – We have to find him! Where’s Johnny?
Johnny – Woooohoooo!! I am so awesome!!! And I think I can catch on fire and fly! Sweeeet!
Reed – *facepalm* Never mind. I can guess where Ben probably went.
Ben’s Fiancée’s House:
Ben – Honey, I’ve changed.
Fiancée – You’ve turned into some kind of rocky thing!
Ben – We can work this out!
Fiancée – Freak!
Vic – My hair is falling out and my skin is turning into metal or something. I don’t like this one bit. I think that shielding might have failed. Better go to a doctor.
Ben – Man, my life sucks.
Jumper – Agggh! A giant thing!
Ben – Dude, don’t jump. Your life is better than mine.
[[what follows is a slightly ridiculous sequence in which the four of them manage to cause a terrible traffic-jam accident on the bridge but save everyone from the ensuing chaos by using their new powers and ends up with Sue nearly naked in front of everyone]]
Reporter – It’s so great the way you saved everyone.
Ben – Heh, as long as you don’t ask why they were in danger to begin with.
Reporter – So, you’re like a superhero team now?
Johnny – Hells to the yeah! We are the Fantastic Four. I’m the Human Torch, she’s the Invisible Girl…
Sue – Woman.
Johnny – He’s Mr. Fantastic…
Reed – I have a doctorate.
Johnny – And he’s the, um, Thing. Yeah, Thing.
Ben – Why are we letting him talk?
[[Ben’s fiancée emerges from the adoring crowd drops the engagement ring and runs away; Ben can’t even pick up the ring with his giant fingers]]
Reed – Dude, that sucks.
Ben – Tell me you can cure me.
Reed – I’ll work on it.
Doctor – Mr. Doom, I’m afraid you are mutating from high exposure to cosmic rays. This will give you metal hard skin and electromagnetic powers.
Vic – That’s not so bad.
Doctor – Also, all your hair will fall out and you’ll be about as pretty as a metal statue of a human can be, so in short, you’re going to get ugly.
Vic – Oh, hell no! [[kills the doctor]] Well, I suppose that doesn’t really help the situation but I feel better. And why am I still “Vic?” I’ve got awesome superpowers now.
Vic – Oh, what, is this because the DOOM in the comics made his own superpowers with sheer genius and evil while I get them the same way the FF does because the people involved in making this movie didn’t believe audiences would buy a guy smart enough to make awesome superpowers? Because I’m pretty sure the success of the “Batman” movies is evidence to the contrary.
Vic – Oh, so it’s just me. Well, fine, since I have superpowers, I think I’ll take over the world. Of course, I’d be a lot closer to DOOM if that had been my plan in the first place. But I need to get rid of the only four people in the world who can stop me. That shouldn’t be too hard. I’ll just drive a wedge between Reed and Ben and then pick them off one by one.
Vic – Hey, Ben, I don’t think Reed really wants to change you back to normal. He’s got Sue again and I think he likes the superpowers.
Ben – No, Reed’s not like that. He wants to help us.
Baxter Building (later):
Reed – Well, it’s cool being superheroes and all and while I’ve been building this machine to cure us, I’m kind of sorry to give up my powers.
Ben – What? Victor was right! You just don’t want to give up your powers because you’re not a rocky freak.
Johnny – True dat.
Sue – You are not helping.
Johnny – Was I supposed to? Oh, guess who’s got a date. Laters!
Ben – Look, I met a new nice girl but she only likes me because she’s blind and can’t see what a hideous creature I am. Get this damn machine working so I can be normal again!
Reed – I’m trying, but I just don’t have the power to recreate a cosmic storm. I’d need something to general huge amounts of electricity.
Vic – Well, I’m glad I invested in tapping into the closed-circuit TV because that tells me exactly what I need to know.
Baxter Building (later still):
Vic – Ben, it turns out I know that the machine needs more power and I can make that happen. You interested in being a normal guy again?
Ben – I feel I should ask more questions about this, but I’m so wrapped in my own angst I’m going to go with, sure!
[[Vic powers up the cosmic storm machine and it works to turn Ben back to normal; but it has the side effect of turning Vic almost completely into metal]]
Ben – Hey, thanks! And here I thought you were kind of a jerk. Dude, what happened to you?
Vic – Yeah, that’s not important right now. Also, I’m actually a huge jerk. [[knocks Ben unconscious]] That’s one down.
Reed – Um, Victor, what the hell?
Vic – You really did walk right into this one. [[knocks Reed unconscious; somehow]]
Vic – And now to take out that annoying kid. [[fires a heat-seeking missile]]
Johnny – What did I do? Besides be totally awesome? [[after a drawn-out chase sequence Johnny manages to stumble on the clever idea of getting the missile to hit something with a higher temperature than him]]
Ben – Oh, no, that jerk Victor is going to kill all of us and then take of the city with his own superpowers. I have to do something! Damn, clearly there is only one solution. [[steps back into the machine]]
[[the tubes and hoses keeping Reed’s rubberized body super-cooled to the point of nearly breaking start to unhook]]
Reed – Sue, it’s a trap.
Sue – Um, I’m already in the trap if that’s the case.
Vic – Which it is.
Sue – I have invisible force fields I can smack you with! [[does so]]
Vic – I have electromagnetic powers I can smack you with and with more effect! [[does so and sends Sue flying in a bad way]] Ha! I am triumphant! I’ll kill you all and take over the city!
Ben – Or I can stomp your head because electricity doesn’t bother me when I’m a big rocky freak! [[starts to curb stomp Vic]]
Johnny – Don’t forget me! I outsmarted your heat-seeking missile!
Vic – I have to say I did not predict either Johnny’s cleverness or Ben’s willingness to sacrifice his humanity for his friends.
[[By their powers combined, the FF manage to induce thermal shock on Vic’s metal body and freeze him in place]]
Ben – Well, I guess this isn’t so bad. Alicia loves me and these superpowers come in handy.
Johnny – We are totally awesome! We could save the world and stuff!
Reed – That doesn’t sound so bad. Susan, will you marry me?
Sue – Is that a gasket instead of an actual ring?
Reed – Um, yes. I’m a total dork, you know.
Sue – I find this geekily endearing. Yes, I’ll marry you.
Johnny – So everything works out. Awesome! And we’ll never see that jerk Victor again!
[[In Latveria, the dockmaster’s electronics flicker ominously, indicating there may possibly be a sequel]]