Or, “Ridiculous Suspension of Disbelief”
Or, “I will have to Suffer a Head Wound to Watch the Other Two Movies”
Some Bar, Somewhere, in the Rain; the location isn’t important:
Patsy – That is totally not my name.
Blur of motion later to be revealed as Victoria – Yeah, it totally is. [[chomp!]]
Patsy – Oowwwww! Oh, look at me hamming it up in the rain!!!! It hurts!!! What an ominous beginning!!!
Random Field of Flowers:
Edward – It is so romantic to lie with you in the flowers not doing anything more intimate than kissing. Seriously, what more could I possibly want?
Bella – Yeah, this is really…romantic…Anyway, my totally unreasonable dad gave me this curfew where I have to be home for dinner. Just because I spent three months practically comatose because you left and then ran away to another country doesn’t mean he should ground me. Sheesh.
Dad – So, Bella, still sulking because I’m making you come home for dinner?
Bella – It’s what I do. I am totally ungrateful.
Dad – I’m sorry, but I just don’t like that Edward kid. Maybe you should hang out with your other friends, which you have despite the fact you are brooding and unlikable, or that Jacob guy. He seems like a perfectly normal, nice guy. Hint hint.
Bella – Oh, that is such a bad idea but I’ll just look sulky again. Oh, hey, can I go to Florida to visit Mom?
Dad – That is a great idea, honey!
Bella – Edward’s coming with me.
Dad – That is a less great idea but what the hell. At least you’re getting out.
[[Ok, how the hell did Edward get from the airport to Bella’s Mom’s house without someone seeing his sparkly sparkly face? I mean, I know Florida is full of old people with bad eyesight, but didn’t someone notice? Wouldn’t Bella’s Mom eventually notice if they ever went outside for lunch or something? Whatever, ignore the plot hole]]
Mom – So you’re going to the University of Alaska? Why?
Bella – They have a great science program.
Mom – Aw, you say that like you think anyone watching believes you have enough intelligence to make it in a scientific field.
Bella – I did win the Golden Onion.
Mom – Right. Anyway, I won’t be seeing you very much once you move to Alaska so let’s share a genuine heartfelt moment that will give you something to brood about.
Bella – I feel so bad not telling my mother I will never see her again due to my entirely unreasonable desire to be a sparkly leech. *broods*
[[the Cullens are chasing Victoria with some totally ridiculous looking special effects and causes an altercation with the werewolves]]
Bella – I’m glad everything’s so glum and normal here.
Jacob – Except for that crazy sparkle leech from the previous two movies that won’t leave you alone.
Edward – I wasn’t going to tell her that! It was for own good. You know how she freaks out and broods about the least little thing.
Bella – Wow, that’s kind of dickish and control-freaky. I love you so much.
Jacob – But you love me too, right?
Bella – Um, no. I mean, I’m not a very good actress, but I’m pretty sure I’ve made it clear beyond any shadow of a doubt that I’m only using you and really only love Edward.
Jacob – Right. Anyway, you guys stay off our land.
Seattle (I guess):
[[Patsy is making lots and lots of sparkle leeches from random people]]
Cullens clan – So here’s the plan – we’ll try to lure that crazy chick into the woods so that either us or the werewolves can kill her. But it means a lot of misdirection, cunning, and pointless drama as Jacob gets to spend a lot of time alone with Bella carrying her around the woods for some purpose tangentially relating to trying to catch the crazy chick.
Edward – I strongly object.
Jacob – Whatever, loser. I get to spend time with this girl who is so totally not worth all this effort.
[[Jacob spends time randomly carrying Bella through the woods while no one is any closer to killing the crazy evil chick]]
Jacob – Why do you want to be dead? Why do you want to be one of them?
Bella – Because Edward is hot.
Jacob – Look, if you want to shack up with a predator, why not me?
Bella – Because I want to be young and pretty forever. Also I love Edward and not you.
Random Werewolf Girl – Then quit using him, you selfish, manipulative, whiny brat.
Bella – Whoa. Someone called me out.
Jacob – Don’t listen to her just because she’s totally right.
Bella – I pretty much don’t listen to anyone ever.
Jacob – Ok, that’s a great and desirable trait in a girlfriend… Do you love me yet?
Bella – No, and I never ever ever ever will. Ever. Not in a million years. What do I have to do to convince you? Punch you in the face?
Jacob – Sure [[kisses her; she punches him in the face and sprains her hand]]
Bella – Dude, seriously, I don’t love you!
Jacob – But I thought you liked dickish control freaks!
Bella – Not furry ones!
Edward – If you ever touch her again I will kill you.
Jacob – Ok, either you’re reading my thoughts or you’ve been spying on Bella. Creepy either way.
Bella – Stalking is so romantic.
Jessica – Well, we’re graduating, although the standards have to be awfully low considering the Cullens kids missed like half the year and are graduating anyway. So I’m going to make a speech that’s going to inspire Bella to do exactly the wrong thing. But on the plus side, no one tried something as unbelievable as making her valedictorian.
Graduation Party at the Cullens House (because it’s a great idea to invite a bunch of kids over to the house of blood-sucking sparkle leeches):
Dr. Cullens – Why in the world isn’t the High Council doing something all these murders in Seattle?
Alice – No idea, but that army of newborn leeches is going to come straight to Forks for Bella. Which is of course inexplicable since she’s so unlikable.
Dr. Cullens – Then we’ll need help. Let’s call in the dogs.
Jacob – Present!
Bella – A punch to the face isn’t a sign you’ve been uninvited?
Jacob – I know how much you like to be stalked, babe.
Bella – Not by you! We’ve been over this!
Bella – This wouldn’t be a problem if Edward had just turned me into a sparkle leech when I demanded it.
Rosalind – You can still die, you know. I mean, we’ve been planning to kill those newborns. Anyway, I’m going to relate to you my surprisingly disturbing back story for a film aimed at the tween crowd the purpose of which is to convince you not to go through with becoming a sparkle leech. I thought I was in love; I was wrong, and bad things happened because of it.
Bella – I didn’t hear a word you said because I was thinking about Edward and how true our love is.
Rosalind – What is wrong with Edward?
Bella – So Rosalind was talking to me about how important it is to experience life as a human.
Edward – Are you sure that’s what she said?
Bella – Probably. Anyway, let’s have some human experiences if you know what I mean!
Edward – I thought we had adequately established that I do not believe I can control my lust enough to keep from hurting you so for your own safety, we can never do anything more intimate than kissing, hand-holding, and looking deeply into each others’ eyes.
Bella – And I thought we’d adequately established that I am a complete idiot when it comes to recognizing the inherent dangers of dating a predator.
Edward – I was also raised in the early 1900s. Girls and boys wait until marriage.
Bella – Whatever. I think I’ve established I really don’t care what you actually believe. Now, let’s get to it.
Edward – Oh, boy, awkward. I have a thing…now…laters!
Dr. Cullens – Ok, so we’re going to fight newborn leeches which are stronger than older leeches because of their human blood.
Audience – Booo, hiss!!
Dr. Cullens – What was that?
Werewolf – The part of the audience that isn’t a Meyer fan expressing their dismay about another part of vampire mythology she has discarded, thus further reinforcing their notion that you guys are not really vampires.
Dr. Cullens – Well, not my problem. Anyway, Jasper here will train you to fight them. Jasper, please relate your disturbing back story.
Jasper – [[relates disturbing back story]] The moral of the story, Bella, is that I thought I was in love, I was wrong, and bad things happened because of it.
Bella – I wasn’t listening. I was thinking about how I’m going to marry Edward and get turned into a sparkle leech.
Jasper – What is wrong with Edward?
[[what ensues is a ridiculous training sequence in which no werewolves appear to actually take part]]
Bella – Why am I up here freezing again?
Edward – To keep you safe from Victoria and any newborns. You’ll be safe and isolated here and I’ll keep an eye on you.
Jacob – So will I.
Edward – Great. That’s…great.
[[Bella, despite wearing a jacket, a scarf, mittens, a hat, and being inside a sleeping bag under a blanket appears to be freezing to death and Edward, who of course has no body heat, can only look upon her helplessly]]
Edward – So do you need a blanket or a space heater? I run really fast. I can get something.
Jacob – Or I could warm her up, if you know what I mean.
Edward – I don’t have to read your thoughts to know what you mean.
Bella – Clearly he means to just hold me and keep me warm.
Jacob – Yeah, sure. [[crawls into the sleeping bag with her, shirtless, but as he is a werewolf and has been barely established is much warmer than normal human anyway]] So, I hate you and you suck.
Edward – I strongly dislike you and you bite.
Jacob – Leech!
Edward – Dog!
Jacob – Wow, she can sleep through anything.
Edward – Yeah. So have we established we’re both total jerks now?
Jacob – Yeah. Why are we fighting over her again?
Edward – We’re supposed to.
Mountain Top, Next Morning:
[[Bella walks outside sans hat, scarf, mittens, or jacket, with only a flannel overshirt and there is now SNOW on the ground; seriously? All that drama because she’s cold and now that it’s actually snowed, she’s peachy keen fine with a flannel overshirt???]]
Jacob – I’ve decided to go kill myself in the fight.
Bella – Why?
Jacob – Because I love you and you don’t love me so I’m going to romantically kill myself, unless you can give me a reason to live.
Bella – I don’t want to feel guilty for causing your death. [[kisses him, although this is completely unbelievable given the total lack of chemistry between the actors and lack of prior cues in the script to indicate Bella might possibly have the tiniest bit of romantic interest in him]]
Jacob – So you’re totally using me?
Bella – Yeah.
Jacob – And apparently I’m okay with that. Alrighty then, I’ll go fight but not get myself killed.
Jasper – Ok, we pose here dramatically until the newborns get here. Then we start another laughable fight scene.
[[They pose…and pose…and pose…finally the fight is on]]
Victoria – And I’ll just sneak around the back to kill that whiny obnoxious girl everyone likes but has no reason to.
Edward – Honestly, I don’t need Alice’s visions to tell me you’d try something like that.
Victoria – That’s why I brought Patsy here as a distraction.
Patsy – What?
Victoria – I mean, I love you. Ahem, Bella, please note here is yet another lesson on someone who thinks they were in love, they were wrong, and bad things happened because of it.
Patsy – Wait, what bad things?
[[a werewolf chomps his head and drags him off]]
Victoria – Ok, brooding hottie, it’s you and me.
[[the fight commences and Bella distracts Victoria with her own blood but at least has the sense not to fatally wound herself, which given the amount of sense she’s demonstrated so far is pretty remarkable; anyway, Edward kills Victoria by ripping her head off; he then lights the body on fire and it goes up like it was soaked in kerosene]]
[[in the meantime, the angry werewolf girl does something stupid and gets Jacob nearly killed by a newborn and he’s carted off by the cult before the high council finally makes their appearance]]
Creepy Council Girl – So, you took out all those newborns except one who appears to be a twelve-year-old girl.
Dr. Cullens – Someone had to, and by someone I mean usually you guys. We’re adopting the last one.
Creepy Council Girl – Our disinterest in helping out and possibly working behind the scenes is not going to be explained in this movie, but thanks for the insult. Also, we’re going to rip the newborn to pieces as a petty power ploy.
Dr. Cullens – Child murder for the tweenie crowd? Well, I guess we can’t stop you.
CCG – No, you can’t. -the girl is killed off-screen but not off scream, as it were-
Jacob – I am such pain! And sweating awful lot. Bella, do you love me?
Bella – No. Duh. Aren’t you paying attention. I’m going to marry Edward and become a sparkle leech.
Jacob – I need some time alone to think this over.
Bella – What’s to think over? I’m happy to abuse the hell out of our friendship to get what I want, but I’ve picked Edward as my boyfriend. I established that at the end of the second movie.
Jacob – Why do I love you again?
Field of Flowers:
Bella – So the moral of the story is that my love for you is stronger than ever and it’s totally the right thing to do to marry you and become a sparkle leech.
Edward – You know, I’m pretty sure you don’t listen to a word anyone says. Why do I love you again?
Bella – What? I was thinking about the wedding again.