or, “Get to the Frickin’ Werewolves Already”
Bella – Oh my god I just turned eighteen and now I’m a year older than Edward and I’m going to turn into an old lady and he won’t love me anymore! I have to make him turn me into a sparkle leech.
Edward – Bella, I’m actually not seventeen you know. I’m hundred and nine, which was covered in the last movie. You don’t want to be a monster.
Bella – Oh, please, what do you know? Your family is perfectly fine and in no way savage monsters just wanting to kill me and drink my blood.
[[Bella cuts herself opening a birthday present and Jasper nearly kills her over three drops of blood; Edward doesn’t help when he literally throws her into a coffee table to keep Jasper from her]]
Edward – I’ve decided to leave you forever so I can’t hurt you.
Bella – What?
Edward – I’m going to Italy and I won’t be taking any calls or emails. I’m going to stay with the High Council.
Bella – There’s a High Council for sparkle leeches?
Edward – Sure. Just because the original author butchered most if not all vampire mythology to the point we’re just sparkle leeches doesn’t mean she couldn’t be derivative of modern interpretations of that same mythology. Hence, High Council.
Bella – You can’t leave me! Turn me into a sparkle leech.
Edward – I don’t want to damn your soul.
Bella – I don’t believe in souls so just do it and don’t leave me.
Edward – Ok, you’re being whiny and clingy and also completely denigrating my beliefs. Yet, I continue to love you. Clearly after one hundred and nine years, I still have some growing up to do. Anyway, I’m leaving forever. The rest of the family is also moving away. Good luck with your life. *vanishes*
Bella – Woe is me, I am so alone! [[proceeds to fall asleep in the middle of the woods in Washington in September and among reports of mysterious animal attacks without telling anyone a damn thing]]
Dad – Ok, I want you guys to search out in the woods this way, and you guys head out this way…
[[mysterious shirtless Native American walks up carrying Bella]]
Dad – Oh thank God! You didn’t call! I thought something had happened to you!
Bella – Whatever. I’m brooding.
Swan Residence 2:
[[montage of Bella doing nothing but going to school and staring at the window until there’s snow on the ground; also Bella is waking up with screaming nightmares]]
Dad – Bella, we have to talk.
Bella – Can’t talk. Brooding.
Dad – I’m going to send you to live with your mother.
Bella – What, now?
Dad – This is unhealthy. So I’m going to send you someplace better.
Bella – I’m fine, Dad, just fine. See, I’m going to call up Jessica or Angela or whoever and go out to a movie right now.
Jessica – You know, you totally blew us off for months and months. I mean, what the hell is that about? Yeah, I get that Edward left and that totally sucks for you, but we have lives and stuff happening too.
Bella – Whatever. You’ll continue to be friends with me anyway.
Jessica – Why? You have few to no redeeming qualities.
Bella – It’s in the script. Now I’m going to go hitch a ride with that dangerous gang of bikers who I think tried to assault me in the last movie so I can get an adrenaline rush and make myself feel alive again.
Jessica – That’s stupid. No one would actually do… [[Bella heads off]] that…well, fine, I’ll wait here because I have some damn common sense.
[[Bella hops a ride with a dangerous biker]]
Hallucinatory Edward (HE) – Bella, this is really stupid. Please stop.
Bella – Stop!
[[biker stops and HE fades away; Bella goes back to Jessica]]
Jessica – What the hell is wrong with you? That was the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.
Bella – I’m totally going to do something that stupid again so I can see HE.
Jessica – Why the hell am I friends with you again? Seriously.
[[Bella acquires two beaten up motorcycles and enlists Jacob to help her fix them]]
Jacob – Why do you want a motorcycle?
Bella – Because it’s stupid and dangerous.
Jacob – Well, since I’m also a teenager, and I’ve totally been waiting for Edward to get out of the picture, I’ll help you fix these things so I can spend lots and lots of quality time with you.
Bella – It’s so nice to have a friend like you.
Jacob – Yeah… friend…
Bella – It almost makes me not think about the emptiness in my heart only Edward can fill.
Jacob – Are we going to fix these things or what?
[[commence the fixing of these things]]
Bella – Hey, some of your buddies are doing something stupid and dangerous.
Jacob – That’s Sam’s cult. Cliff diving is only one of the stupid and dangerous things they do. Whatever. Who needs them?
[[the bikes get fixed and Bella promptly tries to kill herself again]]
HE – Bella, this is also stupid and dangerous. Please stop this. Honestly.
Jacob – [[rips off his shirt to dab blood off of one teeny cut on her head]] Bella, this is stupid and dangerous. Please stop this. Let’s do something safe like go out to a movie. Also, please note my totally ripped torso.
[[Bella organizes a group outing but only Jacob and Mike from the first movie show up, which makes it really awkward]]
Jacob – Okay, Bella, I’m not sure if you’re just dense or ignoring me, but I want to go out with you and not just be friends.
Bella – But I only think of you as a friend.
Mike – Then go out with me.
Jacob – I will KILL you!
Mike – And I’m leaving. Dude, she’s not worth it.
Bella – Jacob, you’re hot, I mean in the fever kind of way. Are you alright?
[[Jacob disappears for several days until Bella accidentally catches up with him walking around shirtless and with his hair cut]]
Bella – Jacob! You joined Sam’s Cult! You said you wouldn’t! Where have you been?
Jacob – I was wrong about Sam. I can’t be your friend anymore. I have to be alone. I’ll only hurt you. You’re better off without me.
Swan Residence (at night):
[[Bella awakens to the sound of someone throwing rocks at her window]]
Bella – Jacob? I thought you couldn’t be my friend anymore.
Jacob – I can’t be your friend anymore. I came here tonight to explain nothing and although I am going to strongly imply I know exactly what Edward is.
Bella – Ok, that’s weird.
Jacob – Obviously you forgot the other part of the legend I told you about. Anyway, I know how much you like mixed signals, so just remember we can’t be friends, we can’t see each other, and I’ll just hurt you. Okay, laters!
Bella (narrating) – I am so alone. I have no friends…
Jessica, Angela, Eric, and Mike – Excuse me?
Bella (narrating) – No one I can talk to…
Dad – Hello, I’m right down stairs.
Bella (narrating) – No one who understands what is to be a girl in love…
Mom – What, you can’t pick up the phone?
Bella (narrating) – Just me, all by myself, so alone… so very alone…so much angst…Time to wander alone in the woods even though there have been mysterious animal attacks that are almost identical to last year and turned out to be sparkle leeches not that I’ve put that together.
Laurent – So, where are the other sparkle leeches?
HE – I can’t believe I have to appear to tell you to lie to this guy.
Bella – Oh, you know, around.
HE – That’s the best you can come up with? Seriously, do you have a brain in your head?
Laurent – You know, I don’t think I believe you. So your boyfriend and his family abandoned you, leaving you unloved and alone. Oh, and the evil chick who was with me is hunting you because your boyfriend killed her boyfriend. Not that it matters since I’m going to kill you first.
Giant wolves – How about we rip you to bits instead?
Laurent – Half the movie and no werewolves and now you guys come into it? Of all the timing… [[giant wolves rip him apart leaving Bella completely alone]]
Bella – Dad, Dad, I saw the things that have been killing people! They’re giant wolves.
Dad – Wolves? Ok, I’ll look into that.
Native American Guy – I, uh, have to go. I have a thing that is in no way related to wolves… nope, not a bit.
Bella – Hey, Sam’s cult! Where’s Jacob? I’m tired of being so very very alone with no friends or concerned parents to talk to and you did something to him!
Sam’s cult member – Don’t get me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
Bella – I’m all about stupid, reckless behavior right now so why don’t you go ahead and get angry?
Sam’s cult member – Okey-dokey. [[turns into a giant wolf]] RAAAARRWW!!!
Jacob – Hey! [[turns into a giant wolf and protects Bella from the other guy]]
Bella – Ok, so why aren’t the rest of you acting like this is totally freaky?
Sam’s cult member (not the wolf) – We’ll introduce you to Sam while Jacob and the other dude fight it out.
Sam’s wife – Bella, if you’re really into guys that could totally kill you, I’d recommend a werewolf. Look, Sam slipped for a second and I’m scarred for life.
Bella – I’m not into guys totally maiming me though. I want eternal youth and prettiness.
Jacob – [[pulls Bella away for a private chat]] Ok, here’s the deal since you didn’t pay attention last movie when I told you about my tribe being descended from wolves or the legend of the Cold Ones. Some members of my tribe turn into werewolves and our only purpose is to destroy sparkle leeches like your friends the Cullens.
Bella – Okay, awkward.
Jacob – I know we made a treaty with them, but I still don’t like you dating that Edward. He could totally kill you! By the way, we’ve been chasing this one sparkle leech out of here over and over again. I can’t figure out what she’s coming back for.
Bella – Edward killed her boyfriend so now she’s coming to kill me.
Jacob – Good grief, what does it take for you to realize these are not good people to be around? They will get you killed!
Bella – I don’t care. I love Edward and you’re mean. [[stomps off]]
Bella – Woe is me. My childhood friend hates my boyfriend who ran off and left me and I’m being chased by some crazy sparkle leech.
Victoria – And you’re so dumb you ran into the forest by yourself where I can easily kill you.
Bella – Not if I do something colossally stupid first so I can see my beloved Edward.
HE – This is really stupid, Bella, I mean really really really stupid, even by the low standards that you have already set.
Bella – I love you!! [[jumps off cliff]]
Victoria – Okay, I did not see that coming. Well, I can swim and I don’t need to breathe, unlike some people who just jumped off a cliff. How’s that working out for you?
Bella – Rocks…hurt…ow….need…air….
HE – I told you that was stupid.
Victoria – It works for me.
[[Sadly, Bella is saved from being smashed to death on the rocks, drowned, or killed by the evil chick, by Jacob who followed her knowing she was going to be stupid]]
Jacob – Bella! What the hell is wrong with you? If I hadn’t been stalking you, you would have died!
Bella – I am so angsty.
Jacob – Well, let’s get you home and maybe I should spend some time trying to figure out why the hell I’m so attracted to you.
Alice – Bella, you’re still alive! I had a vision you jumped off a cliff and I didn’t see you survive. And why is that dog here?
Jacob – I saved her life, thank you very much.
Alice – Oh, so you inhibit my powers. Why are you here again?
Jacob – Because you’re being so jerky to me, I’m going to answer the phone in Bella’s house and convince Edward she’s dead.
Alice – There’s no way that could possibly work… Oh, I just had a vision of Edward doing something to get the High Council to kill him. Bella, we need to go to Italy.
Bella – Ok, I’ll run away from home and not tell my Dad a damn thing and expect him not to worry. Or just not care if he does because let’s face it, I’m pretty callous to anyone who isn’t letting me get my way.
Jacob – But what about me?
Bella – I just said, I don’t care about people who don’t let me get my way. Move it, dog-boy.
Bella – So how the hell did I get to Italy? Do I have a passport? Do you have a passport? Where did you get the money to rent a car?
Alice – Pay no attention to the plotholes and let’s save Edward. So there’s a festival celebrating the historical eviction of all sparkle leeches in the city, which clearly didn’t work since this is where the High Council is headquartered. Anyway, Edward is going to show off his sparkly chest and the world that sparkle leeches haven’t been evicted and the High Council will kill him for that.
Bella – So I just have to stop Edward from walking into the sun. No problem.
[[Bella shoves through a crowd of people who appear to be there just to make her task more difficult and sadly throws herself at Edward right before he shows of his sparkly, sparkly chest to the crowd thus saving his unlife]]
Edward – I thought you were dead!
Creepy Council Girl – Follow me.
Bella – See, they’ll turn the receptionist into a sparkle leech. Why won’t you turn me into one?
Edward – I don’t want to damn your soul.
Bella – Whatever. If you really loved me you’d turn me into a sparkle leech.
Edward – Honestly, why am I dating you again?
Creepy Council Guy – Wow, Edward, you really, really want to kill her. I’m amazed at your restraint.
Edward – Yeah, thanks for bringing that up in front of her.
Bella – What, like that’s supposed to make me re-think this whole “dating a predator” thing I have going? I think I’ve made it very apparent I don’t have the least modicum of common sense.
Edward – I can’t argue with that.
Creepy Council Guy – I can’t read her thoughts at all. I mean, assuming she does think. I mean, let’s face it, dating a sparkle leech isn’t really a sign of intelligence. Anyway, Creepy Girl, cause Edward some pain because he was a moron.
Creepy Council Girl – Ok, I will stare at him while the actor hams it up.
Edward – ARRARRGGGHHHHH!!!
Creepy Council Guy – Ok, that’s pretty hammy acting. Stop hurting him and now try it on the girl.
[[further staring commences and Bella is entirely unaffected although she looks like she’s about to throw up, but she looks like that for most of the movies]]
Creepy Council Guy – So our powers don’t work on her. We’ll just have to kill her.
Edward – Noooooooo!!! I won’t let you!
[[A fight commences between Edward and the council guy with Edward getting his sparkly ass handed to him. Sadly, Bella intervenes]]
Bella – Don’t kill him! Just kill me and leave him alone!
Creepy Council Guy – You’d die for him? That’s romantic. Stupid, really stupid, but romantic and unfortunately the script says I have to let you both live because your love is so true. But if that’s the case, you need to make her a sparkle leech.
Bella – Yes, finally!
Edward – Please don’t make me do that.
Creepy Council Guy – It’s unlife or death. Just sayin’.
Alice – Wait! I can see the future. She’s going to end up a sparkle leech eventually anyway. Read my mind. I’ll show you.
Creepy Council Guy – Right-o.
[[cue flash forward of a creepy pale Bella running in slow motion down a forest path with Edward]]
Creepy Council Guy – Well, that was melodramatic and kind of silly but good enough for us. As long as you turn her into one of us, you’ll have no problems with us.
Alice – Well, there’s the plot of the sequel(s).
[[Bella returns with seemingly no explanation to her father about running away to another country!!!]]
Jacob – Bella, break up with Edward and date me. He’s only going to lose control one day and kill you.
Edward – Oh, like you werewolves are paragons of self-control.
Jacob – Fine, sparkle boy, you me fight it out right now, for Bella. Because I’m being told she’s completely worth it despite being whiny, clingy, and pretty callous when people don’t let her get her way.
Bella – No fighting! Jacob, I’m sorry, but I will never, ever love you. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, not even the tiniest bit, in any way shape or form, possibly begin to develop the least emotional attachment to you that could one day potentially blossom into something that even begins to resemble love.
Jacob – Whatever. Just because I’m actually a dog doesn’t mean you need to treat me like one.
Bella – So turn me into a sparkle leech already. Alice says it’s going to happen.
Edward – Just wait five years, please.
Bella – That’s too long. Do it now. Now now now!
Edward – Honestly, why the hell do I love you?
Bella – You have to. Now turn me into a sparkle leech so I can have eternal youth with you.
Edward – Ok, do one thing first.
Bella – Edward, we’ve established I don’t care about people who don’t let me have my way, so this had better be good.
Edward – Marry me.
Bella – Oh. That’s okay then. Yes, I win!