So, normally I wouldn’t think to put up a post before my movie summaries, however, the next set is the first three Twilight movies, and I don’t want anyone to think I’m a fan in any way, shape, or form. Hence, the explanation.
I have never read the books. I thought about it for the sake of being up on pop culture, so I got an audiobook file and tried to listen that. About halfway through the first book, my brain rebelled and I blacked out. When I awoke, the audiobook file had been mysteriously deleted from my computer and all knowledge of the book had been erased from my own memory, leaving me only with a sense of horror and mediocrity.
So obviously you’re thinking what could have possessed me to watch not just one movie but three of them? I will admit alcohol was involved. Also, peer pressure. I am a fan of the late, great “Mystery Science Theater 3000” and the current, great RiffTrax. Several of my friends are as well, and I’ve wasted many an hour of my life watching terrible movies and riffing along (sometimes the actual MST3K episodes, sometimes the RiffTrax, but usually just me and my friends and a bit of alcohol to ease the pain). Sometimes we watched A-list blockbusters (I.e. Van Helsing) and sometimes anything directed by Roger Corman. My friends have a higher threshhold of pain than I do (they can say with all truthfulness that Manos: Hands of Fate is not the worst movie they’ve ever seen), and that becomes important later in the story.
So, we were all together looking for a movie to riff on. I forget at this point who suggested the Twilight movies but that won the group consensus. It may have been me, in fact (I said I do try to be up on pop culture) in which case I really should have known better. Not only did we watch Twilight, we followed it up immediately with New Moon. I was screaming in rage at the screen which I’m sure will show in the movie summary (a friend told me once he knew which movies I liked and didn’t like by reading the summaries). Apparently I am a glutton for punishment, so those same friends said that they had sprung for the RiffTrax for Twilight and wanted to share it with me. I was against it, but the RiffTrax trailer featured the “Benny Hill” theme (i.e., “Yakity Sax”) so I agreed to watch Twilight again. The RiffTrax helped considerably but they couldn’t talk me into re-watching New Moon. I said they would have to pay me money to watch the third movie.
Apparently the universe was conspiring against me. A friend of mine is a member of a DVD club (I know, I know, that seems lame and passe with Netflix). Anyway, the DVD club sent him a free copy of Eclipse for being such a good customer despite the fact that none of his previous choices or preferences would have in any way indicated he’d be remotely interested in this movie. I voted to burn it, but he said we should get some entertainment value out of it so we got together with those same friends, and I ended up watching Eclipse and not even with the RiffTrax to ease the pain. Clearly I am a moron. I ended up screaming at the screen again. This should explain the subtitle of the third movie.
And that’s the explanation. I should have known better, so read at your peril. There will be no summaries of the last two movies. Seriously, no.