or, “The World’s Stupidest Cops”
Narrator (in an Old West accent) – So here’s the backstory: the Devil has a bounty hunter called the Ghost Rider who collects damned souls. One day an entire town sold their soul making the contract so powerful the Ghost Rider ran off with it instead of giving it to the Devil, because it’s a real smart idea to betray the Devil. Right, 150 years later…
Johnny – I’m a totally hot stunt motorcycle rider and I’ve got a great gorgeous girl I’m going to marry when we both turn eighteen. Life is great. Hey, what’s this letter in the trash? [[reads letter]] Oh, my Dad is dying of cancer and has no money for treatments and only six months to live. Well, that kind of sucks.
Devil (in disguise as a well-dressed but creepy old gentleman) – If you sign this little contract for me, I can cure your dad.
Johnny – No way. That’s impossible. And why is it suddenly so cold I can see my breath on a hot summer night in the deep South? It’s like some ominous foreshadowing.
Devil – Of course not. Look, if you don’t believe me, what’s the harm in signing? Come on, give up you soul, save your dad.
Johnny – Well, alright, because I love my dad, so what the hell.
Devil – Exactly.
[[Johnny signs the contract]]
The Blaze Household:
Barton – Johnny, you won’t believe this, but I had cancer and now am completely cured. Isn’t that great?
Johnny – Yeah, that’s great. Kind of weird, but great.
[[The Devil causes a terrible accident during the day’s performance and Barton Blaze gets toasted.]]
Johnny – You killed my father! You cured him and then killed him! Why did you do that?
Devil – Because I need a new bounty hunter, and I didn’t want you to have any attachments. Sorry, kid, them’s the breaks.
Johnny – Screw you! I’ll just go kill myself. [[Johnny rides away from his girl and his old life.]]
Devil – Do you think that’s going to get you out of this? You should have read the fine print, Johnny. I’ll come for you when it’s time. Bye-bye now.
[[Johnny spends the next 20 years on the motorcycle stunt circuit]]
Mack – You know Johnny, I’ve been your friend for many years, and I never said anything before, but have you noticed that you keep surviving jumps that should have killed you time and time again?
Johnny – Yeah, weird. Hey, jelly beans.
Mack – Seriously, Johnny, I think you’re trying to kill yourself or something.
Johnny – Actually, I’m looking for a sign that I can be redeemed.
Mack – Ok, and now you’ve lost me.
Johnny – Right, back to the jelly beans.
The Stunt Show:
TV Producer – You’ll never get an interview with Johnny Blaze.
Roxy – Watch me. Hey, Johnny, interview?
Johnny – Roxy! My old girlfriend. Would you go out with me?
Roxy – Um, this is not what I had in mind.
Johnny (to Mack) – This is it! This is the sign for my redemption.
Mack – If you say so.
[[Johnny manages to impress Roxy enough she agrees to go out with him]]
Johnny – Finally, life is going my way.
Creepy Park at Night:
Devil – Hello son. You look like a Goth Tobey Macguire.
Blackheart – *Phhbt* Well, we can’t all be played by Peter Fonda, can we?
Devil – No one is going to take you seriously. You look like some pretty-boy whiny poser.
Blackheart – I’ll show you! I’m going to get that really powerful contract and then I’ll make you sorry! [[sends out three demons to help him find the contract]]
Devil – Time to call in a favor.
Blackheart – I am so going to kill your pet bounty hunter.
Devil – Good luck with that, son.
Johnny – Oh, redemption is at hand. Ok, why do I appear to be turning into a skeleton and catching on fire? What the hell is going on? [[transforms into Ghost Rider and even transforms his bike]] Ok, I have to say that the bike looks totally awesome.
Devil – Johnny, I’m calling in my favor. You have to keep my bratty son from finding this contract. I suggest you find it first. Oh, and he’s called in demons to find the contract and try to kill you.
Johnny – Dude, I have a date tonight! What the hell?
Devil – Exactly. Better get going.
Johnny – Damn you!
Devil – Too late. Bye-bye now.
[[Blackheart destroys a biker bar because he can and Ghost Rider battles with the earth demon whom he defeats handily; as a bonus, Ghost Rider stops a girl from getting mugged.]]
Mugger – AAAAHHH! What the hell are you?
Johnny – Exactly. Look into my eyes.
Mugger – You don’t have any. Also, creepy on so many levels.
Johnny – Fine, look into my eye sockets, damn it! [[the mugger ends up re-living every bad thing he ever did and his soul is burned; Johnny rides off into the sunrise, turns human, and passes out on his father’s grave]]
Roxy – So can you describe who saved you?
Girl – I’m not high.
Roxy – No one said you were.
Girl – A blazing skeleton biker saved me.
Roxy – *blink blink* Riiiiight.
Girl – I’m not high!
Cop – Hey, a random license plate at the crime scene. Let’s track it down and bring them in for questioning because obviously an entire street worth of fire damage and a mass murder was all done by one ordinary human who’d be dumb enough to leave a clue.
Johnny – Worst night ever.
Mysterious Old Cowboy – Wait until tomorrow night. You’re going to turn into the Ghost Rider at night and in the presence of evil whether you like it or not. Blackheart is getting closer to finding the contract, and there are two more demons out to get you and it. And as a bonus I’ll relate the intro exposition to you.
Johnny – Wow, it’s so weird you know everything that’s going on. It’s like you were there, man.
Mysterious Old Cowboy – Ok, so clearly you weren’t picked by the Devil for your brains. How did you end up dealing with the Devil?
Johnny – I wanted to save my dad’s life.
Mysterious Old Cowboy – The demons won’t like that. Giving up your soul for unselfish reasons makes them nervous. They don’t understand it.
Johnny – Just tell me how to get back to town.
Roxy – You totally stood me up!
Johnny – Yeah, I totally did. I’m sorry; I really didn’t have a choice.
Roxy – Okay, I’m listening. Why didn’t you have a choice?
Johnny – Er. If I tell you the truth, you’ll think I’m crazy and lying to you and never want to see me again.
Roxy – No I won’t.
Johnny – Ok, here goes. [[tells Roxy the truth]]
Roxy – You’re crazy and lying to me and I never want to see you again!
Johnny – I told you so. But it’s better this way. You’ll only get hurt if you stay around me.
Roxy – Whatever, loser. [[storms away in a huff]]
Johnny – This redemption thing isn’t going well. What else could go wrong?
[[The cops track the bike plate to Johnny and arrest him.]]
Cop – So just confess you set the street on fire and killed all those people.
Johnny – I didn’t kill anyone!
Cop – Then how come your bike plate was at the scene of the crime?
Johnny – Maybe someone stole my license plate? Look, I don’t have a criminal record, I pay my taxes, I’m not drunk, I’m not on drugs, and while I know I don’t have witnesses to corroborate my alibi, I’m pretty sure you don’t really have enough to hold me here much less press charges.
Cop – Just for that Mr. Smartypants I’m totally violating your Miranda rights and throwing you in the slammer over night just for the hell of it.
Johnny – That is such a bad idea.
Cop – Whatever. You’re a white guy with a Southern accent. I won’t get in any trouble for this.
Johnny – Great, I’m in jail with about a dozen criminals and some poor fourteen year old kid and the sun is going down. This will not go well.
Thugs – Yeah, we are so going to beat the snot out of you.
[[the thugs attempt to do so is cut short when Johnny transforms into Ghost Rider and end up having the snot beat out of them; the only one who is declared not evil is the kid; Ghost Rider then busts out of jail, hops on his bike, and rides the hell away.]]
Cop – Ok, so a blazing skeleton biker just literally broke out of jail and hopped on a bike that appears to have fire for wheels. Obviously we’d better rally the entire fleet and go arrest this guy.
Johnny – Seriously? You’re going to try to arrest a blazing skeleton?
[[The cops give chase and are only stopped when Ghost Rider rides up the side of a building.]]
Cop – Ok, while at this point it would seem reasonable we could and probably should call this chase off, as no one can say we didn’t give it the old college try, but inexplicably, we are so stupid we’re sending in a helicopter to arrest him.
[[Ghost Rider combats the helicopter]]
Johnny – Morons! I could have killed you any time! Now go the hell away!
Helicopter – Ok, fair enough, fair enough.
Johnny – I’d like to point out the only cop who seems to have any sense in this movie is the one I passed last night.
Patrolman – Dude, you set the billboard on fire! I am not paid enough to try to chase that kind of weirdness.
[[With the cops mostly out of the way, Ghost Rider combats and defeats the air demon; of course Roxy witnesses this.]]
Roxy – He was telling the truth? No way.
Roxy – [[goes through some extremely esoteric books]] Ok, well, who knew? He actually is damned. I have to help him.
Blackheart – How convenient, a hostage.
Johnny – Look into my eyes.
Blackheart – You don’t have any and that’s creepy on so many levels.
Johnny – Yeah, I know, just do it, okay?
Blackheart – You know, that whole soul burny thing would work way better if I actually had a soul.
Johnny – Rats.
Blackheart – [[Blackheart beats him up]] Dumbass. Since when do demons have souls? Anyway, you find me that contract and I’ll turn over the girl to you. As a bonus, I’ll even turn her over unharmed, except for the post-traumatic stress disorder. That’s kind of a given at this point.
Roxy – Yeah, I am totally freaking out here.
Johnny – Okay, mysterious old cowboy, you seem to know everything, so tell me where the hell that contract is right this minute!
Mysterious Old Cowboy – Right here.
Johnny – Hey, great. I don’t suppose you’ve got a map or something? I need to figure out how to get to this place.
Mysterious Old Cowboy – I’ll lead you. [[transforms into a Ghost Rider]]
Johnny – I totally did not see that coming.
Cowboy Ghost Rider – I’m not surprised.
Johnny – So you’re helping me with the battle, right?
Cowboy Ghost Rider – Sorry, I used the last of my power getting you here. Take this shotgun and stay in the shadows.
Johnny – Why?
Cowboy Ghost Rider – Well, not that I actually say this explicitly and instead leave it to the audience to figure out what the hell is going on, but if you stay in the shadows that’s good enough darkness for your to transform into Ghost Rider. See you in hell! [[vanishes]]
Johnny – Ok, well, good to know [[combats and defeats the water demon]]
Ghost town (ha!):
Blackheart – Look, here’s your girl. The sun’s just about up, so there’s pretty much nothing you can do to stop me from taking that contract.
Johnny – Rats. [[hands over the contract]]
[[Blackheart hands over the girl; Ghost Rider gamely attempts to fight Blackheart before the sun comes up while Roxy gets out of the way, although there are lots of creepy ghosts around; however, the sun comes up and Ghost Rider goes back to being Johnny.]]
Blackheart – Sucks to be you, loser. [[claims the one thousand souls]] I am totally awesome now and in no way a pretty-boy whiny poser!
Johnny – Then prove it and kill me.
Blackheart – I will totally do that.
[[Johnny with Roxy’s help gets Blackheart into a dilapidated church where Johnny transforms into Ghost Rider]]
Blackheart – Dude, seriously? You couldn’t take me out before and now I’m way more powerful.
Johnny – Look into my eye sockets.
Blackheart – Hello, that only works if I have a soul. I’m a demon, remember?
Johnny – Who just absorbed one thousand damned souls.
Blackheart – *blink blink* Damn you. [[he is subject to the Penance Stare one thousand times and ends up a gibbering heap in the corner.]]
Devil – Well, that’s one way to defeat him. Of course, it voids the contract and ruins all the power that could have been claimed from it, but I’ll make my bratty son pay for that later. [[Blackheart disappears]] Okay, Johnny, you repaid your debt. You call it square, and I’ll take the power back and you get your soul.
Johnny – Actually, the old Ghost Rider told me that you don’t like it when people give up their souls for unselfish reasons, so I’m going to keep the power and be a spirit of vengeance.
Devil – Ok, fine, but I will make you pay.
Johnny – Whatever, man, whatever. I’m owning my curse. Roxy, we can’t be together.
Roxy – Yeah, no kidding. But good luck with that spirit of vengeance thing.
Johnny – Thanks. Now to ride into the sunset again.